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SuperWoman Goes on a Family Vacation (And Lives to Tell the Tale)

June 15, 2013


You haven’t heard from SuperWoman in a while. That’s because she’s involved in the stage of her life where she’s supposed to understand that she’s not a superhero at all, but really a plain old human being. (She’s not having any of it.)

And as other human beings do, she had this idea to take her children on a torturous vacation. TalkMonster’s school is finished earlier than other schools, and back in February, it seemed like the perfect idea to make that week of June a time of a family vacation. And why settle on one place when they could travel to two places, the nation’s capitol and a New Jersey beach?

Now you know the hard truth: SuperWoman is crazy.

That sounds mean, she knows. Her superhero progeny is so cute! They won’t be young forever! It’s a special time to bond and experience new things as a family!

But four people in one room for six days, traveling to two different locations? Slightly harrowing, not to mention expensive.

Still, SuperWoman suspects she’ll look back on this experience fondly. Like the time when her daughter, WonderMess, announced that she wanted to buy a baby. Or when her son, TalkMonster, shouted in the car that he had to go to the bathroom, but then realized it was only a fart.

There are also some interesting observations SuperWoman was able to make while on vacation.

1. Washington D.C. has lots of free museums, but the cost of lunch at those museums is payback for all the wrongs the U.S. ever committed against other countries and peoples.

2. If a superhero leaves her Kindle by the pool by accident, someone will steal it. (Can you believe that?)

3. Little girls with red hair get a ton of attention. (SuperWoman already knew this, but it’s still kind of stunning.)

4. Trying to get along with a SuperMan while playing camp counselor for a week is really quite difficult.

5. Fortunately, there were no life-sized walking stuffed animals to contend with.

6. New Jersey has this completely insane practice of requiring beach-goers to pay for going on the beach. Try as hard as you can to get around that shit.

7. If SuperWoman wants her children to shut up for a while, all she has to do is give them chocolate ice cream, rinse and repeat.

8. SuperWoman will never again go through her congressman’s office for a tour of the Capitol building. All he’ll do is hand her and her kin off to an inexperienced intern who walks them through the basement of the Capitol building so they can stand in line with mere mortals.

9.  SuperWoman will be so tired of this vacation with kids, she’ll have a new appreciation for her quaint little town and her quaint little home.

10. Until she gets there and realizes how much cleaning has to be done. And how many ants have decided to make her kitchen counter their new summer home. (SuperWoman still has this dream of a live-in angel housekeeper ghost who cleans up but is not privy to any concerns about class, status, or the unfair distribution of wealth in the U.S.)

All in all, though, getting away with the family was a positive experience. It helped to escape some of the concerns of everyday life and build character. At least the kids enjoyed it. The jury is still out on whether the superhuman adults did.

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