You know those days when you wake up and know that it’s not really physically possible to do all the things a superhero disguised as a regular woman is supposed to do? When your supereyes open and you realize your superbody really can’t move?
It’s called a sick day. And even SuperWoman has them. Like, last week, for example.
SuperWoman’s recent sick day was much better than the throwing up over-and-over sick day she had a few months ago. This was a pretty mild form of a sick day, the perfect kind if one has to have one. But SuperWoman figured out the exact recipe (she IS SuperWoman, after all) for getting through a sick day and feeling better the day after. It requires the following:
New York bagels (no, Lenders or some supermarket brand will just NOT do)
A copy of a recent New Yorker
A credit card
An iTunes password
An Amazon Prime membership
(That’s kind of a lot. Sorry. SuperWoman is almost ashamed of her compulsive habits.)
Sit on the couch with your feet up. (SuperWoman is really good at this.) Read the profile about Bruce Springsteen in the recent New Yorker. Realize that Bruce Springsteen is really cool, like some musical godly SuperMan. Why don’t you have any godly SuperMan Springsteen albums? You’ll have to use your superfingers to purchase them at the speed of light.
Not only is Bruce Springsteen super, but he is currently on tour. Is he coming to Philly?
Yes, he’s coming to Philly. Are the tickets outrageous?
They’re not cheap, but what if he dies and you never get to see one of his three-hour-concerts, so perfectly described by the editor of the New Yorker David Remnick? (This is where your credit card comes in.) You will have to go. You can take your mother. She listened to a lot of Springsteen records when you were a kid.
By now, you’ve expended a lot of energy on your sick day, typing on your laptop and spending money from the comfort of your living room. It’s time to take a supernap.
When you wake up an hour or two later, the only thing you could possibly have the energy to do is watch a movie. And the perfect movie is one that features Michael Keaton, a man who played a superhero himself. (Michael Keaton, by the way, is the one and only real Batman. Christian Bale, with his weird-shaped teeth and mouth, is simply an imposter.) But watching an action-packed Batman will get you all worked up, and Night Shift is just a little too political for your sick-day tastes. The only possible Michael Keaton living room matinee is Mr. Mom.
Which, you’ll find, is available for 24-hour download! (This is where your credit card comes in. Again.)
Eat a very mild and simple cheese sandwich with your New York bagel while the movie downloads. There is nothing like American cheese on a New York Bagel except an afternoon viewing of Mr. Mom.
(Remember when you wanted Michael Keaton to be your dad? He seemed so nice. Not once did he get mad at those annoying kids.)
Watch the movie and admire the happy life of Michael Keaton and Terri Garr (aka Jack and Caroline). Whatever happened to them? Does everybody know they made one of the greatest movies of the 20th century? Did Caroline ever get a better job? Did Jack go back to making cars in Detroit?
Eat another cheese-bagel sandwich (the fruit of the gods). Welcome your children with renewed SuperWoman energy when they arrive home.
That, my mortals, is how you take a sick day.