SuperWoman is writing to you from the sky.
If you don’t believe her, check with Gogo. That’s the in-flight internet service, who conned her into thinking that once she bought wifi for $7.95 on her phone (Not $8. Certainly not $8), she’d have access to it on her computer, too.
SuperWoman thought she was so smart. She thought she’d watch Netflix movies instead of paying for the “in-flight entertainment.”
But the Gogo people and Virgin America Airlines are, of course, smarter. Their motto is, “You don’t get suttin’ for nuttin’.”
It’s true. Except, of course, the complimentary in-flight bathroom facilities and regurgitated air that allows you to smell everybody’s farts. Which means SuperWoman has yet another way to prove that she is super: she is writing this entire post on her iPhone. (Wicked little thing.)
You may be surprised to learn that SuperWoman doesn’t like to fly in an elongated machine filled with other people.
Not only are airlines a bunch of credit card bloodletters, but flying can be scary. It’s abnormal to be up so high off the ground, and SuperWoman doesn’t know who’s flying this plane. It could be a skeleton in a hood, for all she knows. With a scythe.
She doesn’t like tiny seats, no ability to get up and down when she wants. On the ground, five hours of reading and writing and perhaps watching a movie just glide right on by, but sitting on a plane for the same amount of time seems to be an exercise in metaphoric (and sometimes literal) constipation. Turbulence makes her fear for her life and her ability to continue to spread righteousness to womankind throughout the world.
And what’s with these people who can sleep the minute the plane takes off into the sky? Are airplane passengers a bunch of narcoleptics?
Still, SuperWoman is grateful for the cloud faeries, who she believes are wishing her well on her journey to meet the mortal man who half-made her, and pretend she is a famous author at the weekend-long LA Times Festival of Books.
She can sort of see the little creatures now, out the window of the plane. They’re a mischievous bunch, waving through the rays of sunshine with their little iPads and Kindles, watching the movies and TV shows (Louis! The Walking Dead!) that SuperWoman was going to get for free.
As long as they keep the plane afloat, SuperWoman will forgive them.
Follow SuperWoman’s tweets about the LA Times Festival of Books and airplane entertainment on Twitter: @janatude.