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SuperWoman Takes to Her Bed, Volume 3

February 16, 2012

Yesterday, SuperWoman had the misfortune to wake up with a stomach bug. It seems Valentine’s Day gave her a virus. And it had nothing to do with love.

Yes, even superheroes get sick. Superwoman spent 36 hours in bed, with brief bouts in the bathroom, hugging the toilet bowl, worrying about germs the menfolk may have left.

So, should you come down with this wicked virus, here is SuperWoman’s advice to you.

1. Invest in a good mattress.

You may not realize this until you are stuck in your bed all day. SuperWoman has made many mistakes buying mattresses. First, she bought just a mattress and used it with an old boxspring. (Bad idea. This was before the internet was easily available in her apartment. Nowadays, she would have researched that shit.) Next, feeling guilty about the horrible mattress/old boxspring situation, she bought a cheap mattress and boxspring. (Stupid, stupid.) Now she is stuck with the  damn thing, and so are her aching back and thighs, no matter how many pillows she puts around herself.

2. Stomach viruses come from somewhere, but you won’t be able to figure out where. 

Every winter, when SuperWoman gets one of these bugs, she wonders who she got it from. Was it the raunchy salad from the pizza place? The dirty backpack from preschool? Or was it that good deed she did, wheeling an old man with no legs to the bench outside of Target? What gave her the bug? This year, the sickness was so extreme that SuperWoman didn’t even have the energy to watch a full episode of Felicity (usually something that brings her much comfort).

Remember, these questions will do you no good. It doesn’t matter where you got the virus from. You have it. Now, to quote SuperWoman’s favorite children’s book, We’re Going on a Bear Hunt: “[You] can’t go over it…[you] can’t go under it…[you've] got to go through it!”

(Those people are so wise. Except for the fact that they’re hunting bears.)

3. Consider what will taste okay coming back up.

Apple juice, water, Gatorade aren’t too bad. I don’t know who got the crazy idea to tell sick people to drink flat soda. That stuff’s just horrible, even if you drink it when you’re well.

4. Water is amazing.

Part of SuperWoman’s problem—the reason she was splayed out on the bathroom floor for ten minutes at a time—was because she was dehydrated. (Duh.) She thought it would be silly to drink water if she was only going to throw it up, but her very wonderful doctor said to drink it anyway. (Those doctors, they really do know something! And we thought we could get all the answers from WebMd.) Once she started drinking water from a straw, her face got some color and the sun came out.

5. A stomach flu can be a religious experience.

Think about it: how often do you kneel before something? That gives the toilet bowl some level of divinity. And, in all honesty, where would we be without toilets? Aren’t toilets a sign that God exists? We get a hell of a lot less sick, overall, with toilets around. And sitting before one, or on one, does make us take stock of our life choices. (Like the importance of drinking lots of water.)

6. Songs go on the repeat cycle when you’re sick.

Inevitably, a song will get stuck in your head pre and post-vomiting. You will hate it by the end of the day. (SuperWoman had Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” and Whitney Houston’s “I Want to Dance with Somebody.”)

7. Even SuperWomen need to be nursed.

Every SuperWoman needs someone to take care of her when she’s sick: someone to bring her a warm compress and a glass of water, someone to open the blinds or close them. It makes a world of difference. A very sick person should never be alone.

It’s February 16th now, and so far, things are looking up for SuperWoman. Let’s just all cross our fingers that she’s the only one in her house who will suffer from this villainous virus. If only viruses could be zapped by laser beams, then SuperWoman could save the world. Toilets for everyone!

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Kate February 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Lysol. And prayers for containment.

I’m glad you’re feeling better.

I’d add that if the kids get sick, you should always have some kind of moisture barrier on every bed in the house. Because cheap or not, you want your mattress to come through unscathed. (okay, not the rock hard one we had for too long. Seriously. It was a torture device)

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Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri February 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Glad you are feeling better.

I’ve often tried to trace the root of my stomach bug. Wondering if it is this or that and it really doesn’t matter anyway because at that point you just want it to go away.

And flat soda tastes nasty even when you aren’t sick.

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GP MikeP February 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Amazing! I’ve had both those songs (especially Adele’s) in my head all week and I didn’t hug one toilet. Must be heredity. Or Grammy fever… Glad your back on your feet!

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Jane February 16, 2012 at 8:11 pm

So glad you’re back to yourself! There is nothing worse than a stomach bug. Ick!

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Liz@Learning to Juggle February 16, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Oh how awful!! Nothing is worse than a stomach bug – I am glad you are starting to feel better – and I hope the rest of your family escapes its wrath!!

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denise February 18, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Oh how you make me giggle, Superwoman. And that is a talent, I tell you , to be able to make people laugh about the stomach flu. Ugh. One of my least favorite things On The Planet. Glad you’re on the mend!

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Cathy February 21, 2012 at 4:35 pm

The whole “where did it come from question” – according to my brother-in-law (the physician), most stomach viruses are not, in fact, viruses. They are sickness from anal-oral transference, as in, you got some fecal matter in your mouth. Yuck huh? Just thought I’d share. Cuz I’m nice like that. Just kidding (but not really). TMI?

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Nicole Schuman February 22, 2012 at 10:55 pm

i found this funny, superhero getting sick. :) And I agree, sick persons really needs tender loving care..

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Kameron February 27, 2012 at 6:42 pm

No stomach bugs here. The hubbs got food poisoning but luckily he couldn’t share that. I have had a cough for 3 weeks and, after finally going to the dr, am starting to feel better! I hope the rest of the winter is kind to you! We are almost done!

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