Yesterday, SuperWoman had the misfortune to wake up with a stomach bug. It seems Valentine’s Day gave her a virus. And it had nothing to do with love.
Yes, even superheroes get sick. Superwoman spent 36 hours in bed, with brief bouts in the bathroom, hugging the toilet bowl, worrying about germs the menfolk may have left.
So, should you come down with this wicked virus, here is SuperWoman’s advice to you.
1. Invest in a good mattress.
You may not realize this until you are stuck in your bed all day. SuperWoman has made many mistakes buying mattresses. First, she bought just a mattress and used it with an old boxspring. (Bad idea. This was before the internet was easily available in her apartment. Nowadays, she would have researched that shit.) Next, feeling guilty about the horrible mattress/old boxspring situation, she bought a cheap mattress and boxspring. (Stupid, stupid.) Now she is stuck with the damn thing, and so are her aching back and thighs, no matter how many pillows she puts around herself.
2. Stomach viruses come from somewhere, but you won’t be able to figure out where.
Every winter, when SuperWoman gets one of these bugs, she wonders who she got it from. Was it the raunchy salad from the pizza place? The dirty backpack from preschool? Or was it that good deed she did, wheeling an old man with no legs to the bench outside of Target? What gave her the bug? This year, the sickness was so extreme that SuperWoman didn’t even have the energy to watch a full episode of Felicity (usually something that brings her much comfort).
Remember, these questions will do you no good. It doesn’t matter where you got the virus from. You have it. Now, to quote SuperWoman’s favorite children’s book, We’re Going on a Bear Hunt: “[You] can’t go over it…[you] can’t go under it…[you’ve] got to go through it!”
(Those people are so wise. Except for the fact that they’re hunting bears.)
3. Consider what will taste okay coming back up.
Apple juice, water, Gatorade aren’t too bad. I don’t know who got the crazy idea to tell sick people to drink flat soda. That stuff’s just horrible, even if you drink it when you’re well.
4. Water is amazing.
Part of SuperWoman’s problem—the reason she was splayed out on the bathroom floor for ten minutes at a time—was because she was dehydrated. (Duh.) She thought it would be silly to drink water if she was only going to throw it up, but her very wonderful doctor said to drink it anyway. (Those doctors, they really do know something! And we thought we could get all the answers from WebMd.) Once she started drinking water from a straw, her face got some color and the sun came out.
5. A stomach flu can be a religious experience.
Think about it: how often do you kneel before something? That gives the toilet bowl some level of divinity. And, in all honesty, where would we be without toilets? Aren’t toilets a sign that God exists? We get a hell of a lot less sick, overall, with toilets around. And sitting before one, or on one, does make us take stock of our life choices. (Like the importance of drinking lots of water.)
6. Songs go on the repeat cycle when you’re sick.
Inevitably, a song will get stuck in your head pre and post-vomiting. You will hate it by the end of the day. (SuperWoman had Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” and Whitney Houston’s “I Want to Dance with Somebody.”)
7. Even SuperWomen need to be nursed.
Every SuperWoman needs someone to take care of her when she’s sick: someone to bring her a warm compress and a glass of water, someone to open the blinds or close them. It makes a world of difference. A very sick person should never be alone.
It’s February 16th now, and so far, things are looking up for SuperWoman. Let’s just all cross our fingers that she’s the only one in her house who will suffer from this villainous virus. If only viruses could be zapped by laser beams, then SuperWoman could save the world. Toilets for everyone!