Every day, it seems, as I wriggle and frown in my uncomfortable bra, I am reminded once again of the great injustice of being a woman. No wonder our foremothers burned them. I’d burn mine, too, if I knew how to start a bonfire.
The thing is, it’s not like I want to go without a bra. It’s just that they’re so unbearable and stifling, I’ve resorted to wearing an old cotton nursing thingie, because it’s the only thing I don’t feel compelled to cut with kitchen shears.
It’s odd really, that I do not feel as confident in my bra as the models in the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. But I do think I manage to smile more, most likely because I’m not carrying the weight of 40-pound angel wings, which are just so impractical for a suburban mom like myself. Where would I put them when I sleep?
So here is my open letter to bra manufacturers, who seem to have no idea what they’re doing.
Dear Bra Maker:
Since you don’t seem to personally know any women, or haven’t done any focus groups to try to learn about them, let me enlighten you as to what women want in a bra. It’s simple really.
We do not need gold studs, or shiny gems, or so little material that our breasts fall out of the top of our shirts. We do not need to be pushed up or squeezed together. Most of us do not desire to poke anyone’s eyes out or use our bosom as a tray table. Nor do we need encouragement to “INCREASE YOUR BUST SIZE BY TWO CUPS.”
My bust size is just fine, thank you. (Did you know that we are mammals, whose breasts are actually intended to feed babies? Yes! It’s true! Look it up!)
Boutique lingerie shops are fine for some, but you insist on bringing men’s sexual fantasies to my local department store, right next to the beach towels. I’ll warn you: No woman is planning on shopping at Kohl’s and then returning home to swing on a pole in her bedroom.
(Yes, we know our husbands would like that.)
Women just want something to make the girls look young and chipper. We’d even settle for easygoing.
Pastels are good color choices. So are beige and white. You see, we can’t wear hot pink polka dots under a white blouse, or a grey one, for that matter, and still maintain any semblance of professionalism.
Nowhere in our houses exist large stretches of flooring on which we can crawl slowly with gritted teeth and wet hair in just our bra and “panties.” Nor do we want to.
(Yes, we know our husbands would like that.)
And lastly—I, for one, do not want to pay upwards of 30 dollars for a piece of material that is going to make me miserable. Female bondage is so fifty years ago. (See Wikipedia: Feminist Movement.) I’d settle for $15 or $20.
So it seems we are at an impasse.
I want something affordable and comfortable which doesn’t show through my clothes, and you want me humping the floor.
I suggest you put down your copy of The Story of O and read this blog post.
This is my call to arms.
Sincerely,
Fed Up in Pennsylvania (and pretty much everywhere else)
*What do you want to tell bra manufacturers?
Image: “Bra” by melinnis via Flickr using a Creative Commons license.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
This cracked me up, Jana – especially the part about doing the combat crawl across the floor. (No, I haven’t ever done that either.)
And it makes me really glad to be in year (almost 4) of breastfeeding. I’m still in those uber-comfy nursing bras and loving every minute of it! Speaking of breastfeeding, I was watching some high quality TV the other day (oh, how I long for the return of The Good Wife) while feeding Baby Sister and saw an infomercial for the so-called Ahh Bra. You might want to check it out. :)
I think I will check it out. And I’m hoping one day, we’ll meet a real life woman who crawls across the floor so she can tell us how dirty it really is.
Love it, Jana!
Bra makers – just try it on. No, you have to keep it on. All day. Do daily tasks. No bra should be painful. If you must put wires in, figure out how to make them not poke us. Also, no bra should randomly release and recapture causing quadra-boobage. It’s not flattering on anyone. The goal, as far as I am concerned is to lift a bit without causing me to readjust constantly. Can you do that? Please?
Yes, yes! And “quadra-boogage”–love it. (The term, not the quadra.)
Gah, this is so true. I’m at the point that I’m paying $50 for my bras, but that’s because they have PILLOWS in them. Pillows. I wear a size DD, and I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve got pillows. Or that I need pillows. Because these suckers are HEAVY, which is especially noticeably when I try to breathe. (Hence the pillows: somehow they keep the underwire from digging into my lungs.) (And I’m not even nursing.) (Anymore.)
They are heavy. I hope those pillows give your back a rest, too. Thanks for visiting, Jes!
Love this!! I am still wearing my nursing bras b/c they are the only ones I can tolerate right now. Usually though I am a fan of a brand they carry at Target – less than $20 each, and I can get them sans lace and frills, just a little something to keep the girls a little more north of where they seem to want to be.
See, I bought those ones at Target. Gillian O’Malley? Love that line of pajamas. The bras were cheap and seemed great at first, but there is this problem where they look like they’re cutting my boob in half, so as Kate above says, I literally have quadra-boobage. Cuatro? Anyway, it looks awful, and I get really upset when I run out of tank tops with shelf bras and have to return to one of those Target bras again.
I swear, I’ve been buying a bra a month (sometimes more!) in desperation lately, going hopefully home only to throw the thing away a day or three later. Knowing your exact and perfect bra size doesn’t seem so meaningful when it’s irrelevant to the size and shape of available bras. And that’s before I even get to neon pink, lace, bows and polka dots. Sheesh. I think I found a winner last weekend at GapBody, but I haven’t hit the three-day mark just yet. I’ll keep you posted.
I’ve been measured, and every time I’m different than I thought, which might be part of my problem. But my body has changed a lot over the years with two kids. Right now, I think I’m in between sizes at the store, and the adjustable hooks don’t do anything to help. GapBody, though, sounds good. Their stuff is very simple but with strong fabric, so I may have to give it a try. (Even though I hate putting out any money on this stuff.)
can’t believe you still can use your nursing bra! – i’m sure mine wouldn’t be able to fill out even one third of my old nursing bra – no chance!
funny post. don’t have the same problem though, but I always hate to buy new ones, since they cost so much money. ugh.
actually, it was in the late 80′s, when i was an exchange student in the us, that i got my first bra – wouldn’t be ‘ladylike’ to go without, so i had to get some. ( i also learned to shave my legs, but never used as much make up as the girls i got to know – that’s where i drew the line.) :) there are so many things you ‘have’ to do as a girl – and even though this, by now, is also the normal standard over here, i still have some protest of the mandatory part of using a bra and shaving the legs.
good luck with the next bra hunt
The nursing bra I refer to is actually a sleeping bra. It’s in this sharp V-shape, though, so any time you wear something with a scoop neck, you look like you’re trying to show a little too much of a training bra, or something. I hated all of my pregnant and nursing bras except this one.
And I agree, there are too many things we have to do as women. In college, I spent a long period refusing to shave my legs. Now, though, the strange thing is that shaving my legs makes me feel more feminine after chasing around kids and being their personal waiter and poop scooper. Plus, it’s a whole 10 extra minutes to myself! And while I don’t put on makeup every day, I like doing it at times to establish a distance from my home-life and my outside life. In short, doing those things makes me feel young again. Weird, huh?
yes, it is weird – but i really recognize the feeling of being a little more feminine after shaving. At home – never makeup – what’s the point, there’s caos anyway, but definitely when I go out – young and sharp!
maybe it also is about the feeling of investing in yourself and feeling beautiful – if a little makeup and shaving does this, it’s all right, right? (i can see that this is not spoken like a true feminist – but whatever!)
My complaint in the bra department is all around sizing. I’m just too damn flat-chested hardly anything fits right. But I did find a winner at Victoria’s Secret – and it’s not lacy or uncomfortable and has a slight amount of padding to help me fill out some shirts a little better. And once I find something I like, I buy in bulk – and yes, white, beige and very, very light pink which is perfect under white blouses because it matches the skin tone.
The thing that kills me – why are they so expensive?
Laugh out Loud Funny Jana!! This is why I love reading your posts. Just to confirm your assumptions, the pole dance and cheetah prowl across the floor? Yes to both!
p.s. I’m torn between my e-reader and the real deal myself.
I think the thing that I hate most in this world is bra shopping. And children who vomit in the middle of night. It’s hard to say which one is worse. As a woman who buys her bras in the “petites” section, I am usually offended while shopping because many nice styles do not even come in sizes smaller than a B. Hmph! And here’s the kicker. I LIKE being small, and trying to find one that accepts my petite size as it is without inches of padding is no small task. Hmph again!
I admit it I have large breasts. And I want bra makers to realise I still want to look and feel sexy so please for the love of God give me some gorgeous colours and not just beige, white and black. I dont require shiny things but I do want PRETTY!!!!!
I sympathize with trying to find a comfortable and attractive bra. I (sadly) really like Victoria’s Secret bras, and find them to be comfortable (though I promise you that I am NOT shaped like a Victoria’s Secret model), so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. After years of bras that cut me oddly, poked me in the armpit, allowed my girls to make a break for freedom every time I bent over, or made my boobs look saggy, I found out that there are different cuts, and I am just not shaped right to wear certain types. For example, I found that a balconette bra worked very well for me, while a plunge would guarantee that at some point, parts of me would slip out and have to be scooched back in place. I don’t know if that helps or is information you already knew, but it was news to me, and it’s helped me immensely.
just wondering why in all the adds are young chicks with perky boob .. in the older market we dont like all the stuff with it hanging out …. have hunted for a bra now for a few monthes & the only thing that i find suitable is a sports bra that makes ya look like ya have 1 HUGE boob in the middle .. the bras that i have seen that i also would like to try at only in the 40 & above sizes…. Have one that i thought that i liked but after wearing it for a while boobs falling out in the middle ,,, when wearing them they have the points going out to east & west .. well i got news for ya the dont go that way … try taking some advice from the older generation that have fallen a bit … we do buy bras also … course than on the other hand that why som of the older generation has stopped wearing them … BECAUSE THEY DONT FIT RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!