A few years back, I paid 20 bucks for a psychic in Mystic, Connecticut to tell me who I was in various past lives. She held my hand and spoke rapidly: a Buddhist monk, a war reporter, a Native American warrior princess.
As my life progresses further, as I mature and my understanding of the world and humanity grows deeper and more meaningful, I have no doubt I was a warrior princess.
The following story will illustrate this perfectly….
* * * *
I know that I should be humbled upon seeing my place in the grand scheme of nature. Some people feel most at home when they immerse themselves in dirt and grass. They’re inspired by the wide range of birds and squirrels who visit their backyard, by the graceful movements of bees as they pollinate flowers.
I, on the other hand, am mad that all of those creatures are in my backyard. Not at the bees and birds, necessarily–even though I wish the birds would stop leaving drooping, cheesy poops on my deck–but at the wide range of ugly creatures who function quite well on my property despite my disapproval. My husband laughs when I call squirrels “assholes” as they maneuver themselves along my clothesline or wander onto the banister, because he can’t believe I take it so personally. Damn right I do. When they get too close to my door, their eyes bulging from a recent trashcan feast, I open it and tell them, “Get the hell off of my deck, you disgusting piece of shit.”
Ridding your backyard of rodents requires some strong words. Imagine how I’ll talk when the zombies invade. I’ll have to invent a whole new language.
Cleansing the inside of my house of different beasts has made my cursing even more intense. So far this summer, we have dealt with pill bugs in our basement who leach onto any piece of fabric that has a hint of moisture. I throw those clothes into the wash with those suckers attached and let them split apart. Watch who you mess with, bastards! Then there are the ants, who go away and reappear intermittently around the kitchen window or powder room floor until we buy more ant traps. I’m actually learning to live with them. They’re way less demanding than a one-year-old.
What makes me most anxious is the idea of infestation. I can handle a few critters here or there, but any time a creature multiplies to the point that you can’t count them, the princess in me says, “Run!” The warrior stays and fights, because she has to. She pays the goddamn mortgage. You think these lowly species would think of chipping in?
I’m blaming my children for all of it, because they require way too many simple carbohydrates for sustenance, and those starchy foods bring on the pests. Crackers, goldfish, cereal. My kids spill them, eat them, and leave the crumbs. While I love a clean house, I don’t like to do it, and so the floor is not always neatly swept, the area rug untidy; the hardwood under the couch becomes so devastating at times, the only thing we can do is ignore it. Damn kids, we say, and then we check our email.
Imagine my surprise when, on Monday, I looked at the bread we keep in a basket and saw pieces of the plastic gnawed through, bits of bread gone. I freaked and called Mike, a bit early for what he’s termed “The 2:30 Problems Call.” Did we have a mouse on the counter? What the hell was going on?
An inspection inside the cabinet showed the same thing with an old Hershey Kiss, as well as a rip through some melting chocolate I bought and never used. There were moths inside the cabinet door.
Moths who like chocolate. And they invaded my cabinet. My bread. My chocolate.
Well, you can imagine what the warrior princess inside me said.
“You’re going to die, dickheads.”
We had seen a few moths hanging around our kitchen, but we thought, “Moths. Hmm. Wonder why they’re in here?” And we figured they’d leave for greener pastures, like the outside light fixture. We had no idea they were these kinds of moths, pantry moths. Now I’m quite worried they are hiding in corners of which we’re unaware. A quick google search will tell you that they lay eggs and eat your food and die, and then more are born.
Are you ready to throw up yet?
True to my princess nature, I bit my nails while Mike went through all the cabinets, wrapping everything in an extra layer of heavy plastic bags, wiping down the shelves. Our bread is in the fridge, our cookies in a container. We thought we’d left the area uninhabitable to these whores.
And then, this morning, I saw a hole in the bag of tortilla chips.
Now, I’m going to do what any suburban mom would do. I’m going to buy large, heavy duty containers. I’m going to remove everything from the cabinets and wipe them down again. I’m going to take the children to a safe shelter and clothe myself in a bionic suit.
Then I’m going to Target to buy laser beams.
Do you have any experience with pantry moths or laser beams? Help!
*Note: I was going to use a picture of a moth in the beginning of this post, but I’m not going to give those asshats the satisfaction.
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We use the Home Defense spray. Inside and outside because I, too, HATE insects and arachnids in my nice, sometimes clean house. The neighborhood has an issue with little tiny sugar ants and I snuff them out whenever they dare scurry across our walkway where my daughter draws with sidewalk chalk! Take THAT nature! ;)
And it works? I think I saw it at the hardware store but settled for glue traps. I’m not too enthused about those, but we’ll see how it goes.
It works! We used to live in the upstairs of an old farmhouse on a working dairy farm (ergo: cluster flies!). We would spray a couple of times in the summer and voila! No more cluster flies or spiders or other weird creepy crawlies! The label says it kills larvae, as well.
We’ve also used Home Defense, and it works great. We had major fruit flies a few weeks ago (they are the most annoying bugs on the planet) and my husband cleared everything out of the kitchen, then waited until they were all perched all over the walls/cabinets. Then he just sprayed the shit out of them. They turned white like they’d been bleached and died. And it did zero damage to our oak cabinets and tile counters. Nor did it affect the curtains. Even a Magic Marker drawing my daughter did that was hanging on our fridge and got caught in the crossfire was left un-smeared. I’ll be stocking up on more to have on hand.
If you spray around your doorways and windows with it (we did the outside of the house), prepare for thousands, and that’s no exaggeration, of dead bugs to be stuck in the spray pattern the next day. Just hose them off and be grateful there are that many fewer pests to enter your home!
Moths. Yup, been there. I hate it. Bugs that eat my food or bite my kids are always killed in this house. Always. And I even like the squirrels in our yard.
The only thing I’ve found that gets rid of the moths is looking rough all the food for tell tale signs. I thought I’d done it recently until I opened a sealed container of oatmeal. Holy moly, I nearly fell over with revulsion. But, there have been no new sightings of the flying assholes. I have hope.
Borax mixed with sugar works on the ants.
“I was going to use a picture of a moth in the beginning of this post, but I’m not going to give those asshats the satisfaction.”
I love that line! I have had my own problems with vermin. We’re having a problem today, as we realized that our lovely Roma tomato plants are completely infested with tomato worms. Oh, and what’s the word for animals who mate in large groups? It is a lek? We seem to have a housefly lek in our front yard. All you have to do is read the tag Vermin on my blog to realize that whenever they (and by they I mean any vermin you can think of) are not attacking you, they are zeroing in on my house with cold-blooded precision.
I have waged war on ants. I know more about those suckers than I care to admit. Now I have a monthly pest control company come and lay their poison and it’s marvelous. Absolutely ant-free for years now.
I, of course, have had lice (three kids – what do you want – don’t judge) more than once.
My current infestations – fleas from the kids’ cats. I am not a happy camper. Just used some carpet powder and upholstery spray and they are still around. This means the bombs come next. And that means I will be washing every freakin’ dish in my house because they people who remodeled our kitchen like an “open cabinet” design. FML.
Egads. My eyes are now open. I have yet to deal with pantry moths. I believe I am now far more prepared though, when the day comes. Wishing you a speedy annihilation.
Ew, ick, yuck, gross, ew, shiver, shiver, shiver. Okay, I think I got it all out of my system. Gah! I had something reproducing in my flour container one time and that about sent me over the edge. I can’t imagine something desecrating my chocolate.
And “Damn kids, we say, and then we check our email”? Amen.
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