My husband and I recently took a kid-free vacation to Delray Beach, Florida.
If you, too, are dreaming of a romantic getaway with your significant other sans sippy cups and baby wipes, here is a guided tour of what to expect.
(Warning: There will be no nudity in this post.)
1. Expect your flight to be delayed. There is no way you can get to your destination, which you painstakingly planned, on time. Last year, Husband and I had our 9:30 a.m. flight delayed one hour, then two, until it was postponed indefinitely due to a “mechanical issue.” We ended up leaving the next day. This year? We sat on a plane for two hours because a box that served as a back-up to another box was broken. Lesson? When Mike and Jana are fortunate enough to go on a couples vacation, they will never have the added bonus of leaving on time.
2. Remember, flying in an airplane sucks. It really sucks. Flight attendants are pissy. Remember when you used to fly in first class in your business suit with Don-Draper-hair, and a pretty flight attendant used to bat eyes at you and serve you bourbon with a smile?
Now they smack you across the head if your carry-on items aren’t stowed securely under the seat in front of you during take-off. After making you wait in your seat for more than two hours so that you end up missing any chance to eat lunch at your destination, they comp you a Jack Black movie (pure punishment) and make you pay for a six-dollar “Snack Box” full of little more than pistachio slivers. Really, they’d prefer if you never got on their plane at all.
3. Even before you land at Palm Beach International, you’ll notice the strange and unusual culture of this foreign species of people. Instead of lipstick, women wear collagen. Rather than eyeshadow, Botox and facelifts. Even strollers have an entirely new use—they house little dogs who can’t bear to step on the hot sidewalk.
If you look closely at this undercover photo, you can see a white fluffy head in a navy blue stroller.
Can't you just feel the pride of this neo-young mother?
You may think the women are trying to look like twenty-somethings, but you will be wrong. Folklore suggests that they are actually trying to look like chihuahua puppies.
4. Admire the appearance of a freshly made bed, the likes of which you have never seen.
5. Wander onto the beach at dusk to see a mermaid in the sand. You will admire the skill of the artist. Men will admire her breasts.
6. Realize why you came here. A $12 strawberry daquiri.
7. And cupcakes from Cupcake Couture. Lemon with raspberry filling. So brightly colored that your husband will wonder if he still has a penis.
As you eat, quietly observe the teenage couple across the store taking no fewer than 25 pictures of themselves next to a mini-cupcake. You’d think the thing walked and talked. Pornographic smiles and tiger eyes included.
8. Have lunch, incognito.
9. The rest is all you could hope for. Coffee and the newspaper and a couple of books. A beach and a pool and in the evening, wine and food.
10. After four days alone with your spouse, you will be surprisingly ready to see your children. You will both resolve to eat more healthfully so that next year, you don’t cringe at the sight of bathing suits.
11. When you reunite with the kids, your heart still pounding from a turbulent plane ride, your head aching from the abuse of flight attendants, your four-year-old will hug you and kiss you and then ask for his present.
After twenty minutes, you will wonder if you ever left the state at all, or if it was just a pleasant dream. On future days, when you are barely able to utter a full sentence without a whining interruption from your progeny, you will remember those long, aimless days fondly.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I forgot to mention that my husband took his laptop on vacation. Even on the beach! So much for all my ranting about technology when you’re supposed to be relaxing.
It sounds as if the two of you had a wonderful time! I’m jealous!
Also, I appear to have the same luck with airlines as you. Sometime we can go head to head with airline horror stories, if you wish. I will warn you, I was once in a plane that hit the airport. The building. Yes. It hit the building. I freaking hate flying. It fills me with a white hot horror the likes of which few can even imagine.
Sarah recently posted..The Summer of Nonfiction
“You’d think the thing walked and talked.” I’m stealing that. (Nah. Don’t worry, I’m not. But you should trademark it.)
Such a holiday is always worth it!!. You are lucky!!!
coeliquore recently posted..Concurso de relatos- resolución
Love the beautifully made bed. Love the cupcake. Love the mermaid!
And I admit, the concept of a few days away from kids is a delicious one. (But I would take my laptop, too… )
BigLittleWolf recently posted..There’s Living- And There’s Writing About Living
Those damn airlines suck all the joy out of traveling. And there are few things worse than a comped Jack Black movie…well, maybe a Kate Hudson rom-com. But still.
I’m glad you two got to get away for a little while. Isn’t it great how the quirks of a trip are often what makes it all worthwhile? For instance, I always manage to sit next to someone who wants to tell me their whole life story. Or heaven forbid I mention I worked at NASA. But it’s always an adventure nonetheless.
Sean recently posted..Fun with social media
I found you through Mammalingo and now I can see why you’re one of her favorite bloggers. What a great post! I hate those dog strollers like nothing else.
Dana recently posted..People Who Kick Ass – Teenagers
All randomness aside it sounds liek you got some relaxing in. I really want that cupcake now. Damn diet.
Love the cupcake. Love the coffee time and reading. Sounds and looks as if it was a wonderful vaca. Glad you got some relaxation time.
Oh my gosh I have to mention the whole dog-in-a-stroller thing. They do that out here in CA too. In fact, there is this lady in pool league that brings her dog to league night. Why, I ask, does a dog need to come to a bar on pool night? Seriously. WTH?
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