I was recently contacted by Dr. Mom, an anonymous reader who wanted to contribute to the Spill It! series. Taking a break from her doctorly duties, here is what she has to say about women. And birthdays. And hair removal. And the beauty in letting your breasts stay flat-ish.
If you would like to participate in the Spill It! series, email me.
Now, I give you Dr. Mom.
A Very Hairy Birthday
By Dr. Mom
Last year, a few weeks before my 40th birthday, my husband casually asked me what I wanted. The conversation went something like this:
Him: Hey, it’s your 40th birthday, do you want to do something kind of big? I mean, what do you want for your birthday?
Me (with my hand over my mouth and chin): I want to get flahfer flafla removfla.
Him: What? What did you say?
Me (still with hand over face): I really want to go and get flahfer flair removfla.
Him: What? I still can’t hear you, why are you talking into your hand?
Me (looking at him with my head cocked to one shoulder): Ok, ok, I said (now speed up voice to twice normal rate) I want to get laser hair removal (pause) on my chin!
Bless his heart, a few weeks later on my birthday he presented me with an appointment card from a local plastic surgeon who has an aesthetician on staff who does laser hair removal. Having only just recovered from the trauma of having to share this information with my husband and best friend of 15 years, I certainly did not feel ready to share the trials of my chin hair with a total stranger. But I had made the request, a pricey one at that, and felt like I owed it to my husband to follow through. So a few weeks later, despite my better judgement and a fear of the unknown, I went to the appointment. I have since learned a few things about the world of plastic surgery.
First of all, laser hair removal on the chin (and mustache – it comes as a package) HURTS A LOT. I mean, I have had four kids so I am no stranger to pain, but OH MY GOD. Second of all, it works! I am happy to report, that one year later, I no longer have to carry a razor IN MY MAKE-UP BAG. Thirdly, there are SO MANY procedures to lure you in, it is easy to get hooked. I will admit that every time I sat in that waiting room I would think to myself, I am not like the other women here. I am not going to let the world tell me how to look. But at the same time, I would be surreptitiously eyeing the pamphlets in the corner on skin renewal, younger eyes, bigger boobs, and longer eyelashes, and yes, early on, I put a “Breast Lift” pamplet in my purse and took it home. (Did I mention that I breastfed those four kids?)
But today was my last appointment. Chin hair, I bid you goodbye, and I don’t think I’ll be returning to the plastic surgeon’s office any time soon. But is it because I am still paying off my student loans? Or because I truly know in my heart that I am okay just the way the I am? (Without the beard.)
I am not going to lie, I dream about all the cute tops I could wear with nice perky boobs, but for now, I think I’ll just turn 41 on my own. This year, I just asked for a cake.