Featured on this blog the other day was a post about how women–particularly moms–are targeted negatively by news media regarding their use of technology. And while that’s true, it can’t hurt to look at ways to help us develop longer attention spans and less compulsive behavior when it comes to small metal devices.

You know what that means. SuperWoman. To the, um, rescue.

How Not to Be a Slave to Your Technology

Number 1. See that iPhone/smartphone thingie in your hand? Go to “settings.” Turn off “push notifications.” Why on earth would anyone need to know that someone wrote on their Facebook wall or sent them a tweet that very second, or that a “friend” from a far-off land has made yet another chess move? Because usually, these notifications come the second she’s backing the car out of a crowded parking lot where a little old lady is waiting for her parking spot. The second when her kid tells her he’s just pooped his pants. Does anyone really need more noise, more “notification” of chaos?

No. Remember, YOU are the master of your phone. Don’t let that petty phone control you.

End scene.

Number 2. Don’t take your phone to bed with you. It’s not a warm body, even if it is relatively warm from sitting in your pocket all day. Just turn on the TV and let the appreciating female voices of QVC keep you company while you sleep.

Number 3. SuperWoman is going to blow your mind with this next one.

Let’s take a look at Exhibit A: The lyrics of Lady Gaga’s song, “Telephone.” Shall we?

Just a second

it’s my favorite song they’re gonna play

And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand…

And now you won’t stop calling me

I’m kinda busy….

Stop callin’, stop callin’, I don’t want to think anymore

I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor

Stop callin’, stop callin’, I don’t want to talk anymore….

This poor woman was obviously neglected by her phone salesperson or her service provider, because she doesn’t realize a phone has an “off” switch. Contrary to popular opinion, pressing that switch will not blow up a small country in Asia.

Which brings me to Number 3: Turn your phone off every once in a while. It’s liberating, and it’s a way to show your phone who’s boss. Further, no one will die.

Number 4. If you insist on keeping your cell phone on, do not feel the immediate need to answer a call or text. You will get to it when you get to it. You are not a doctor on call (unless you’re a doctor on call), and most likely, people will not bleed to death if you wait a little while before getting back to them. While most calls and texts are not pressing, we’ve been programmed by artificial intelligence (the very smart, lusty Apple engineers) to think that chime noises are our making and our undoing. But there are more things on heaven and earth, Watswoman, than finding out that your husband is picking up bait at the sporting goods store. Remember! You: Master. Phone: Servant.

Number 5. Go out the door without your phone once in a while. Taking your kids to the park? Heading to a nearby grocery store? You actually don’t need your phone. And to your astonishment, it might feel good to know you can’t be forced to communicate in any given minute by a bored spouse or anxious cousin; or compelled to view updates about a winning basketball team, or some high school friend’s gardening acumen. Remember, people all over the world and in past centuries used to roam these streets and supermarket aisles without mobile devices to help them plan dinners or calculate groceries or use two short sentences to keep them in touch with people they’ve never met across the country. And by recently, I mean, like, five years ago. The people in those ancient civilizations got their educations and news from the covers of tabloid magazines, even talked about tomatoes with the people in line. So let them be your gurus. They probably weren’t any more depressed than we all are.

Number 6. Consider a technology-free day once a week. And if that’s too hard, try a technology-free-couple of hours. Read a tattered used paper book, like, Thoreau’s Walden: Life in the Woods, for example. And then when you allow yourself to reopen your laptop, google it and take comfort in how often he cheated in his endeavor to reconnect to nature. No one is perfect, see? Even great American writers. (Actually, probably them, least of all.)

It’s true, when it comes to perfection, only SuperWoman takes the cake. The dark chocolate one with creamy icing. And this is why she’s decided to use her obvious perfection in many areas—housecleaning, child-rearing, budget-making, technology mastering—to help you, dear readers.

Aren’t you grateful?

When your phone is making you its slave,

call SuperWoman!

She’ll knock some sense into that knave.

(By accidentally dropping it into the toilet, no doubt.)

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Tagged as: iPhone, Thoreau, Walden