SuperWoman Gets Orderly (And Curses)

It’s almost spring. The birds are chirping at four a.m., happy to wake people even earlier than the ungodly hour of six o’clock, when toddlers rise.

And what is SuperWoman doing? She’s Getting Her House in Order. She’s reading The Happiness Project, sort of, and initiating some projects of her own. (To be fair to SuperWoman, she started these projects before Gretchen Rubin told her to.) And some Deepak Chopra. She’s reading about Ayurvedic medicine figuring out her dosha (Vatta-Kapha, FYI). She’s eating more vegetables. Mostly, she’s eschewing the “ides” of March and instead, well, marching forward, into the sun. (Oh, and she’s getting a little poetic.)

Did you know, for instance, that having a routine actually makes people happier? Who would have friggin’ thought? (She’d like The Happiness Project better if Rubin used some curse words, by the way.)

The phrase Spring Cleaning has lasted for a reason. Not because anyone really wants to clean. But because at some point, you have to.

Christ.

Here is SuperWoman’s fairly inadequate guide for getting your house in order. (Caution: You may not want to try this at home, since SuperWoman doesn’t know if it works yet.)

Everything in its place.

For a while, SuperWoman was sure she’d have a nervous breakdown trying to get out of the house in the morning. Where was this kid’s coat? Where was that one’s hat? Where were shoes, goddammit? Forget shoes, how about socks? And the other one? Can finding a sock’s match really be as hard as finding a decent man in a singles bar?

Finally, now, at the end of winter, she’s figured out a system. Kids like systems, surprisingly. (Husbands, not so much.) Coats go on a coat rack. Shoes go on a shoe rack. And everyone has to do that as soon as he or she walks in the F-ing door.

There.

Can I tell you how much frickin’ easier this has made her life? And she’ll have an entire two weeks to enjoy it before the hoodlums shun coats and socks altogether.

Next up, pajamas. SuperWoman’s husband seems to think a child should wear a new pair of pajamas every night. Why? Because if last night’s pajamas don’t pop up and do a dance in his face, they are not worthy of a second night. So new commandment, a la Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project: Pajamas always go under the pajama-wearer’s pillow. (SuperWoman has to thank her mom for this recommendation from way way back when she was just a SuperGirl.) Since convincing her kids to get dressed in the morning is like convincing a hoarder to throw out paper products, at least she can transition them into pajamas peacefully. And her son won’t be walking around in toddler race-car capris every friggin’ night.

The Family Meeting

SuperWoman has declared Sunday morning a Weekly Family Meeting, dammit! During that time, the family can decide what they’ll have for dinner, what items are needed at the store, and any special events coming up that need arrangements.

It’s been two weeks. No one has keeled over yet. (A sure sign of success.)

Saturday Morning Cleaning (Rhymes with Meeting)

For a long time, SuperWoman resisted this tradition of picking one day a week for cleaning. She thought she’d then dread that day. Aren’t weekends supposed to be fun? Why throw something f*cking horrible like cleaning in there? But alas, the time has come for structure. (Want to know a secret? It’s kind of nice to know that everyone will chip in and she does not have to face domestic squalor alone, and then try to ignore it, each and every day of her life.) While cleaning with small children in the house seems like a Sisyphean task, the toys are never the problem. It’s the squalor. The dust and dirt and crumbs. Sure, it takes a bit away from what is normally an overly restful morning, but who the hell do Weekends think they are? They need jobs, too.

Budget. F*ck.

If you’re anything like SuperWoman, tulips bloom and out comes your wallet. Shoes, sandals, shoes! Dresses! Short-sleeves! Sunglasses! A bucket of avocados! Ooh, sandals! What the hell? We’re celebrating the rebirth of nature!

But no. Nooo. Remember those family meetings? They’re the perfect time to set a family budget and figure out just how much money can be spent on flip-flops. And sunglasses. And purses. Because come on. Spring shopping is just as necessary as spring cleaning. But SuperWoman needs a limit so her kids can go to college. (Though college may be overrated. She’s still deciding on that one.)

Refrigerator Lists.

How else might SuperPeople stick to their goals, if they don’t see the flowing script of SuperWoman’s pen in the most prized section of the house? These lists help remind SuperPeople what’s for dinner each night (such a relief not to have to wonder, or guess, or curse about it!), what items might need picking up at the grocery store, the hardware store, or evil chain department stores. What else, you ask? A list of jobs each family member needs to do in order to keep the house running like a well-oiled machine. We’ll be robots in the near enough future. Let’s start preparing ourselves for that eventuality and act like them.

F*ck yeah!

Now, can you enlighten SuperWoman of any other way to get orderly? Surely, she’s thought of everything.

Really, she should start writing The Super Happiness Project.

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Tagged as: Gretchen Rubin. spring cleaning, The Happiness Project