Welcome back to the March installment of The Maladjusted Book Club and our latest selection, Allison Pearson’s I Don’t Know How She Does It.
I Don’t Know How She Does It is the humorous (humourous? The Brits love extra “u’s”), yet poignant tale of Kate Reddy, a working mother trying to juggle the demands of her job, her marriage, and her children. There is pretty much no time for herself. So she just buys a lot of shoes. (A woman after my own heart.)
There is so much to this book that we’re going to discuss it in two installments. Comment at the bottom of this post with your own observations, responses, and questions about this novel; then subscribe to the comment feed so you can keep up on the discussion. Stop back over tomorrow for further discussion. I have highlighted so many sections of this book that one post can’t possibly do it justice.
Does She Do It?
When my son turned four months old, I went back to work part-time. I was excited at the prospect of teaching at a college–the ideal environment for me–but also nervous about childcare. Even though I would only be out of the house about nine hours a week, who could I trust to watch him, and could I afford it after bringing in such a measly salary? How much time would I actually need to pay for each week? I remember making phone calls, writing up a request for childcare on Craigslist and then looking at my baby, nearly breaking into tears. It was the first time I had to wrestle with how exactly I was going to make mothering and working work.
Once I had a solution, though, I left my class with a spring in my step. After months of worrying and fretting over how to please a baby (what Kate Reddy aptly calls a “tyrant”), I was doing something I knew. In the midst of so much insecurity as a new mother, I was confident about my ability to teach literature and composition. I felt so good, so relieved, I called my husband to share my feelings. And then I came home, sat on the couch to feed him, and once again, felt isolated, unsure of myself. Everyone else seemed to be out in the world, and I was in a sunlit cave, squishy toys littering the floor with the dwindling sounds of classical music droning on from my baby’s swing. This staying at home bit wasn’t for me. I longed for the exhilaration of a class where I got to discuss contemporary literature, analyze, get lost in ideas rather than spit-up and poop.
When I started I Don’t Know How She Does It, I had the wrong idea that it was a light and easy read. Instead, it is the most gripping, funny, and poignant work I’ve read that deals with the contemporary struggles of working moms. Or stay-at-home moms, for that matter. Because all women with a solid educational background and a decent amount of potential face this daunting task of how to do the job of being a person and a mother and a wife and a worker that contributes to society. We all may make different choices, but that doesn’t mean we can’t commiserate and learn from each other. Fiction is as good a place as any to start.
Home and Work
Pearson opens the novel by explaining what home is like for Kate Reddy. She has just returned from yet another trip abroad, only to start manipulating store-bought pies so they look homemade for a function at her daughter’s school. As I read these opening chapters, I found myself putting down the book, the events and frustrations so close to my own. Kate is tired, but her house is in disarray, and she finds it difficult to go to bed before trying to return some semblance of order:
“Over by the vegetable rack, on the floor, there is a heap of raisins which I’m sure was there the morning I left for the airport. Some things have altered in my absence…but no one has thought to discard the old fruit beneath and the pears have started weeping a sticky amber resin….Next I start to swab the drifts of icing sugar off the stainless steel worktop, but the act of scouring releases an evil odor. I sniff the dishcloth. Slimy with bacteria, it has the sweet sickening stench of dead-flower water. Exactly how rancid would a dishcloth have to be before someone else in this house thought to throw it away?”
Um, were truer words ever spoken?
This first scene ends with Kate reflecting that “Even the moon gets to put its feet up once a month. Man in the Moon, of course. If it was a Woman in the Moon, she’d never sit down. Well, would she?”
The fact that Kate doesn’t sit down, doesn’t seem to ever sleep or enjoy a relaxing dinner with her husband or meet up with a friend for lunch, gives the entire novel a sort of frenetic energy. While the narrator is likable and intelligent and funny, her ability to work 12 hours a day and keep up with the children’s schedules, please her nanny and her husband, and have any time left to think about herself made me perpetually nervous. This kind of living is not sustainable. How long before she has a nervous breakdown? I wondered.
In her occupation–investment banking–she has to hide motherly concerns. She has to be “one of the guys,” which makes these two important parts of herself even more disparate. In Chapter Two, titled “Work,” Kate explains that if a woman is going to be late to work, she must give a “Man’s Excuse.” A woman knows her bosses would be “appalled by the story of a vomiting nocturnal baby or an AWOL nanny.” Unfortunately, though, as she notes, while “child care [is] paid for by both parents, is always deemed to be the female’s responsibility,” so much of her work life revolves around lies and cover-ups, small but important manipulations. Working for and with men gives her an understanding of what seems to be a fragile and oblivious male ego, and she knows that if she wants her boss–or husband, for that matter–to do anything, she needs first to make him think it’s his idea.
Is this the magic trick, the way women have survived their oppression for centuries? Because certainly Kate is oppressed. Not by any particular man or any particular patriarchy, but by a society that is not made for her to excel. In order to succeed, she needs to work doubly, triply hard. Still, she will lose much of what is important to her.
While Kate has very little time to think and relax, she is constantly wondering whether she’s made the right choices and whether she should change them, or how better to manage it all. What she comes back to, though, is that she likes her job: “Most of all I love the work: the synapse-snapping satisfaction of being good at it, of being in control when the rest of life seems such an awful mess. I love the fact that the numbers do what I say and never ask why” (Chp. 2).
More than that, and to her husband Richard’s dismay, Kate is the primary breadwinner of the family. They live in an expensive house in London, the most expensive city in the world. Her job helps them afford the many luxuries they don’t have time to enjoy. Her past also influences her desire for a high-paying job. She does not want to have the same struggles as her own mother, whose husband left them destitute; a man who into middle age constantly gets into trouble with money-lenders in his effort to strike it rich.
“The idea of not having an income after all these years makes me so fearful. I need my own money the way I need my own lungs. (‘What your poor mum never had was Running Away Money,’ Auntie Phyllis said, dabbing my face with her hankie.) And how would I be, left alone with the kids all day? The need of children is never-ending. You can pour all your love and patience into them, and when is it all right to say when? Never. You can never say when. And to serve so selflessly, you have to subdue something in yourself…. I think giving up work is like becoming a missing person…. So when my two bounce on the body they sprang from shouting me, a voice within me keeps repeating, Me, me, me” (Chp. 19).
For Kate, work is an opportunity to retain a piece of herself. Men don’t seem to have such a significant shift in identity once their kids are born, but for women, the role of mother becomes first and foremost forevermore. If Kate gives up working, she fears she will have nothing left to call her own. Not only that, but it seems that to Kate–and many people–money is power and independence. How else can she avoid her mother’s fate if not to keep her high-powered job?
What I love about this book is the way it deals with the political through a lens of humor and honesty. When Kate meets up with a group of women from her original post-natal group for her daughter Emily’s birthday party, she reflects on the different courses the women’s lives have taken, and the awkwardness with which they now regard each other:
“There is an uneasy standoff between the two kinds of mother which sometiems makes it hard for us to talk to each other. I suspect that the nonworking mother looks at the working mother with envy and fear because she thinks that the working mum has got away with it, and the working mum looks back with fear and envy because she knows that she has not. In order to keep going in either role, you have to convince yourself that the alternative is bad. The working mother says, Because I am more fulfilled as a person I can be a better mother to my children. And sometimes she may even believe it. The mother who stays home knows that she is giving her kids an advantage, which is something to cling to when your toddler has emptied his beaker of juice over your last clean T-shirt.” (Chp. 10)
And for her own brand of statistics, Kate notices that “Five and a half years after the birth of our babies, only three out of our original group of nine still have jobs.” One of her friends, Judith, left her son with a negligent nanny, so gives up her job and stays home to ensure he is well cared for. Soon after, she loses most, if not all, power in her household. Her husband expects her to get up with kids in the night and takes skiing holidays. Because she doesn’t have an income, she can’t retaliate. Kate asks, “Did my fellow novice mothers give up work? No, work gave them up, or at least made it impossible for them to go on” (Chp. 10).
Despite the advantages work brings, it also takes its toll. Many nights, Kate doesn’t get home until after her children are asleep, and her five-year-old wants and needs her mom more than anyone else. Even though Kate wants Emily to understand how important her job is, she knows that in the end, it’s useless:
“There have been times over the past year when I have tried to explain to my daughter–I felt she was old enough to hear this–why Mummy has to go to work. Because Mum and Dad both need to earn money to pay for our house and for all the things she enjoys doing like ballet lessons and going on holiday. Because Mummy has a job she is good at and it’s really important for women to work as well as men…. Unfortunately, the case for equal opportunities, long established in liberal Western society, cuts no ice in the fundamentalist regime of the five-year-old. There is no God but Mummy, and Daddy is her prophet.” (Chp. 1)
Regardless of working or not, being a parent is hard. While Kate wants to be with her children, even smells their clothes if she’s missed the chance to tuck them in bed, she feels, once she’s spent time with them, that “their need is just so needy” (Chp. 5). She has a five and a one year old. Anyone who has spent two hours with these age groups can surely relate. And yet, their cuteness is at its height. Who to blame for all this? Help! We need somebody.
The Marriage
In the midst of all this struggle, I can’t help but feel a little frustrated with Kate’s husband, Richard. He does do a good portion of the childcare around the house. His job ends earlier; he feeds the kids and tucks them into bed on many a night. But he still struggles with the acknowledgment that Kate is the primary breadwinner. He’d much prefer for her to stay home. When Kate tries to explain to Richard why it’s important to keep Paula happy so she won’t leave, Richard responds, “Would that really be so bad, Katie?” And Kate has to tell him, “Frankly, it would be easier if you left” (Chp. 3). Of course, this sounds mean, but it seems that so much of Kate’s guilt and fatigue regarding this juggling act is largely unspoken about in their marriage. Richard doesn’t fully understand what she’s going through and would rather remain ignorant or disdainful of Kate’s thoughts and behaviors. Kate and Richard seem to have only brief conversations with each other rather than having opportunities to catch up or discuss their responsibilities in order to make life easier.
It’s very possible that Richard also feels overwhelmed, and we don’t hear his side, but what we can notice is how oblivious he seems regarding Kate’s struggle. Was I the only person enraged by his Christmas gift? ”(1) Agent Provocateur underwear–red bra with raised black satin spots and demitasse cup over which nipples jut like helmeted medieval warriors peeking above parapet; also, a suspender/knicker device apparently trimmed with trawlerman’s netting, and (2) Membership of National Trust” (Chp. 3). So while Kate struggles to work and parent and buy all the gifts for everyone in her family and his, he not so subtly asks her to also be his sex kitten. (Note to male readers: Wives do not want bras as presents for any holiday. Giving your wife any kind of lingerie is selfish. Consider it a testament of true love and generosity not to have the thing ripped up before your very eyes.)
Obviously, there is trouble brewing in Kate’s marriage for some time, since Richard eventually leaves her via a handwritten message given to the nanny. WTF? He says she won’t listen to him, she’s never “present.” This is all fair, I suppose, but a marriage takes two people, and it seems that while he is hurt that she hasn’t spent more of her energy making him happy, he also hasn’t done a whole lot to ease any burdens on her. In fact, Kate is emotionally adulterous with Jack Abelhammer, but only because there is a lack in her marriage to begin with. Or am I going to easy on her? Do you think Richard deserves more sympathy?
Pearson’s portrayal of marriage–or relationships between the sexes–is pretty bleak. Over and over in this novel, we see women needing to protect men’s egos. When a man doesn’t feel sufficiently loved and adored and admired, he leaves. And in the character of Kate’s father, he is so eager for his own sense of accomplishment and flattery, he wittingly or not destroys his relationships with his children. Even Kate’s boss, Rod, marries only six months after the death of his wife, who was clearly in charge of every piece of minutiae that made his daily life run smoothly. In her parting note (more like a long instruction manual), Jill Cooper reminds her husband of who his god-children are, the dates of his son’s birthdays and what they like to eat, and how much to pay the nanny and housekeeper. The man must have the emotional intelligence of a crab if he has gone through life unaware of this information, and his wife has had to settle by taking on the lion’s share of the responsibilities. It’s no wonder he has to remarry. He can’t go without a personal home assistant.
Is there any man in this story who doesn’t seem like a delicate flower covering up the side of him that is an insecure emotional wreck? Yes, Jack Abelhammer, the man Kate starts to exchange illicit emails with. But even Jack is a mirage, with his knowledge of Shakespearean sonnets, Sinatra verses, and good old-fashioned gallantry. If Kate ever were to leave her husband for him, I suspect he’d show himself to be similarly incompetent in the domestic and emotional sphere. Or do you think he was a safer bet than Richard?
Are these portrayals of men unfair or accurate? Do women and men typically live in such entirely different spheres, both literally and emotionally?
Finally, Kate decides to leave her job. One of the reasons on her list is ”Because becoming a man is a waste of a woman.” I felt pulled in two strong directions upon learning of her decision. Even though I wanted her to recognize that her life was a mess, that she was never around for her kids and would live to regret it; even though I found myself telling her to slow down, I was sad and disappointed that she eventually did quit her job. It seemed to be the right thing to do, but it also didn’t seem to be right that she should have to do it. In order to be a good mother, Kate has to give up an important part of herself. And that just doesn’t seem fair. It does, however, seem true.
One of the most poignant pieces at the end of the novel is the scene where Kate visits her friend Candy, after her baby boy is born. Pearson tries to capture the spiritual magic of a mother’s first meetings her newborn in the hospital: “When you are in here you think you know what’s important. And you are right. It’s not the pethidine talking, it’s God’s own truth. Before long, you have to go out into the world again and pretend you have forgotten, pretend there are better things to do. But there are no better things…. Everything else is just noise and men” (Chp. 40)
Is part of the truth that every mother comes to is the awareness of a bond that can never be matched in any other relationship? And if that is the case, can this distance between men and women in marriage or life ever be bridged?
How did you feel about Kate’s decision to give up her job?
Do you think Richard was right to leave Kate, or was he being selfish, childish?
When a woman has a job that is predominantly in a male field, does she need to be somewhat dishonest or manipulative about her personal life in order to fit in?
This book was written in 2002. Has anything changed in nine years? Are we any closer to better work environments?
This novel was set in England. Do you think anything would have been different if it were set in the United States, or does Pearson do a good job of portraying western work culture as similar?
*Tomorrow we’ll discuss the “Must Remember” sections of the book, as well as “The Court of Motherhood.” We will also look at the character of Momo and explore the relationship of Kate and Jack further. Check back!
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh boy – I’m so excited to discuss this book. It’s my first venture into “mommy-lit” and it can be VERY therapeutic. I was also disappointed that she gave up her job. I was bolstered by the fact that after she did so, she had some good ideas for earning a salary that would also give her flexibility and the opportunity to use her skills. I’d like to think that eventually (at her own pace) she followed through and was able to strike a balance between outside pursuits and family.
Unfortunately, Richard seems like a pretty accurate portrayal of the common man. I still struggle with this in my own marriage – if women are responsible for most of the house/childcare duties, how can they be expected to feel affectionate and giving toward husbands? What’s left to give?! There is a lack of emotional intelligence and empathy with Richard. He doesn’t realize that if he took over additional home duties, giving Kate more time for herself (with NO guilt trip), she would be more inclined to make time for him. They should start teaching this in schools….so yes, Richard was being an ass. Ideally, a couple would map out ON PAPER what the division of labor would look like at home so that no one has to “tell” the other one what to do. Has anyone actually done that successfully??? I’d love some tips!
Until I began my current job, I had to lie and fudge reasons for why I had to be late, leave early, or miss work. My boss was a jerk who thought I should have given up my income to stay at home because that’s what his wife did (29 years ago) and they sacrificed – blah, blah, blah. When I was about 6 months pregnant I declined to go on an overnight business trip for professional development by myself, which meant I didn’t meet that “goal” that I’d set from the year before and it was reflected in my annual review. Of course, I couldn’t say that I was nervous to go due to pregnancy and they wouldn’t want to be accused of discriminating against a pregnant woman and aren’t we all supposed to be equal, etc. And this was 2 ½ years ago – so I don’t think we’ve come very far in 9 years. Fortunately, I work in a flexible, family friendly environment now and don’t have to lie. I think it just depends on the workplace and the people in it. Not many women are as lucky as I am.
The only countries I can think of where the scenario would be better are Switzerland and France. When I told my husband’s French cousin that American women don’t get a paid maternity leave, we usually have to go back to work quickly she replied, “what do they think, you are like the rabbits, no?”
Oh, Liz. The question “What’s left to give?” I’m with you there. Not much. Another big joke the old fat man in the clouds keeps making. And all of us look like silly duds trying to figure it out.
I think you touched on something important. The ending is left open. Will Kate venture into new territory, and will she be able to keep her head and maintain balance? I guess the answer depends on whether we think staying home will have changed her.
I like the paper idea. Maybe Kate and Richard are just too addicted to their iPads and haven’t sent attachments through email…. (Oh wait, it was 2002….)
Oh, the French. How I love them. Their baguettes, their chocolate, AND their politics. :)
I am about half way through this book, so I am glad you summarized it for us here. There are two forces that are keeping me from finishing this book.
The first is the frantic nature in which it is written. Pearson accurately captures the insanity of Kate’s life and reading it exhausts me. I don’t have children, but have drawn specific lines when it comes to work in order to nurture my relationships, my health, and my home. Teaching is similar to business in that so much is expected above and beyond the contractual tasks. While a predominately female field, it demands much more of the personal time, emotions, and money from teachers than most want to admit. My previous boss wanted more of me than I was willing to give, and I think that is one reason we parted ways. In looking for a new job, I truly am scared that the job will require more of my time and energy than I am willing to give. To start something new and do it well, I will have to go beyond the 9-5. But I think there is something very wrong with our culture that we feel we would have to so. This books throws many of these internal struggles in my face, and so sometimes I put it down.
The second reason it is taking me so long is that this book and current events are inspiring me to revisit “Backlash” by Susan Faludi. It’s premise that in tough economic times, there is push back on the advancement of women. Culture/Psychology push back by saying working women are more depressed, infertile, and struggling from a “man shortage.” Women in the work place are blamed for unemployment rates, obesity rates, and crime rates. This is happening throughout the country right now and is most clearly evident in Wisconsin. Gov. Walker’s attack on collective bargaining is focused on teachers, again mostly women, rather that policemen, firemen, or construction unions. This is no accident. If this continues to occur across the country it will start with teachers and nurses. News channels will cover it and mostly interview men. They will talk in a serious voice about what workers are demanding in Wisconsin and then joking say they hope football season isn’t delayed because the NFL can’t figure out how to divide up 9 billion dollars. No one is blinking an eye at the collective bargaining of over-paid sports starts with criminal records. But watch out for those teachers making 40 grand.
There are just too many connections to real life in this book right now. I will continue to read it and am truly looking forward to what the other readers have to say about it.
KQ @ Roots and Wings recently posted..Father Daughter Dance
The book felt a bit exhausting to me. Once Jack Abelhammer came into it, it got a little easier to read because there was some way to escape, and I think that is why Kate begins a textual affair with him. She needs escape, just like the reader
I also know what you mean when you say that certain jobs require more time. With teaching, you can never feel like you’re doing enough, but at least some of the work can be done at home. Kate seems to need to be in her office late into the night, and I don’t know how she can function with that schedule. Speaking of which, she does spend a lot of time writing humorous emails. So perhaps she IS in some way trying to escape from her home and not being as efficient as she could be. Perhaps, if we side with Richard, this is an example of her not prioritizing well. Or maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe she just has to be SEEN throughout the day in order to make a good impression.
Your point about Walker is really insightful, Kelly, and now I think I need to go add Backlash to my pile of books. (I’ve heard of it over and over and know it’s a seminal text, but have not actually read it.) And you’re right–that connection makes me feel icky. I get so worked up about these things it almost makes me ill. Maybe Allison Pearson needs to make How She Does It: Part Two, where Kate becomes an inner city high school teacher and realizes that managing a hedge fund was a grand ol’ piece of cake, hmm?
First I must agree that the book was very difficult to keep reading. The pace of Kate’s life was too close to home. I found myself constantly stressed out with all she had to do and the similarities between her life and my own were ridiculous. I found myself in tears as much as I laughed.
Richard – what to do with him? I don’t know. On the one hand I understand Kate because I live the life of being that only person who’d notice the stench coming from the dish towel and being the only one who’d actually do anything about it. On the other hand, I often found myself cringing when Kate would talk to Richard – very mean and rude, and sometimes unfounded. You simply can’t treat people like that and expect them to stay by your side. Especially playing second fiddle in the breadwinner department. Whether he’s helpful or not, and I would argue that he is – putting the children to bed at night, etc…, it is not realistic to expect a relationship to last or be enjoyable if both parties don’t put the time in. If Kate put in a tenth of the amount of energy into her marriage as her job, Richard probably never would have left.
Is the portrayal of men incorrect? I think it was a bit exaggerated but, let’s face it, a lot of men are babies. They want to be mothered as much, if not more, than their children. On second thought, perhaps the men who were overly-mothered as children turn into those who desire the wife/mother combination as well. I can think of both examples and that appears to be a common parallel.
As for the lying and manipulation that Kate does at work for child-related things, I think it’s true. I am fortunate in that even though my industry is male-dominated (high tech), the companies are very family-friendly. But I can see that excuses must be made. I can see how it’d be viewed as lack of “commitment” which Kate repeatedly brings up related to other women who have “failed” in the work place.
I cheered when Kate gave up her job. I feel that she finally realized where her priorities should lie. Yes, it’s great to be a successful and powerful woman, and Kate relished that. It took her time to realize that it’s not all about money and power. I can see how it could be viewed as “giving up”, but it was really a choice. The saddest part, though, was that she personally was unable to strike a reasonable balance with work and domestic life. You see it at the end, how she starts whirling and swirling – biting off a project and becoming immersed. The ending struck me as the author saying that this was a “Kate problem” rather than a “women and working” problem. Kate could not keep her drive in check and strike a balance – and that is the real flaw.
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You are right, Cathy. I may have been too hard on Richard. If a man was as much a workaholic as Kate, I don’t know that I’d give him my sympathy. But because it’s Kate and I feel like her job is making a sort of political statement, I assumed Richard should have more patience. Does he put enough time in, do you think? I kept thinking he could plan a night out for them, a weekend away. Maybe he could stand up for Kate in front of his horribly old-fashioned parents. I can’t help but remember that his small bouquet of tulips didn’t compare to Jack’s big one of wildflowers. But it’s not the size that matters, I suppose. (And I don’t believe Kate said thank you, or did she only do it very harriedly?) Yet Kate doesn’t do these things, either, and maybe Richard felt like if he were to make a plan, she’d be late at work or resistant to someone else making the rules. (Although I happen to like initiative on the part of my husband. Do other women?)
Your point is a good one–that this was a Kate problem. She just couldn’t handle it. Yet I do believe Pearson is making a political statement, so in what way does Kate represent other women in this regard? Kate spent so much time thinking about home while at work, even if she wasn’t actually home. And her “must remember” notes put a lot on her plate and not on Richard’s. I found myself telling her at the end that it shouldn’t be solely her job to call a carpet repair-person, that Richard could have done it as well. Yet it seems that when Ben falls and hurts himself and she has the scenario in the hospital, she blames herself for not remembering to do it all.
DOES RICHARD HAVE A “MUST REMEMBER” LIST? That’s all I want to know. (I think that if he were actually juggling the management of as many things as Kate is then he’d understand her actions a little more. Still, I agree that her presence in her house is necessary and lacking.)
In Richard’s defense, I didn’t feel that I had enough character development to make an accurate judgment on his motives. By the time the story begins, I feel Richard has already had enough of Kate allowing work to interfere with their relationship. I think he is exhausted, just as she is but exhausted about different things. He’s focused on missing a wife, lover, mother of his children and she seems focused solely on her ability to be a “good” mother. Why doesn’t he plan a night out? He’s exhausted of Kate saying no because of a commitment at work. Why doesn’t he defend her in front of his parents? He’s tired of doing it. I’m sure a husband in the real world would have some of the same negative comments (like the ones Kate has to deal with from the Muffia) to deal with also.
Does she even care about her relationship with Richard? I don’t hear her inner thoughts about him, in an intimate way just as a business partner of sorts in their household responsibilities? Just Jack and her kids. Perhaps she turned to Jack because it was easier then fostering those types of feelings for a husband she might be taking for granted. New tends to be very exciting.
I think his Christmas gift (though I agree not one most wives would bee to keen for) was his way of reaching out, to show Kate he wants his lover back. Remember, women and men don’t think alike so his well-intentioned gift would probably come across as ridiculous to us mothers.
My feelings for Richard fall right in line with Cathy’s. I cringed at the way Kate spoke to Richard. It seemed as she wanted so many concessions made for her, the main breadwinner as she is quick to point out often, but gets upset when Richard doesn’t do something as she would. We don’t really know how much Richard works outside of the home but it seems that Kate forgets that Richard does work too. There should be so much more sympathy between the two of them because they are both going through the same thing…figuring how to balance work and home. Yes, it may be easier for men to do so then women but they have to do it too.
I guess I can sympathize with Richard for two reasons: 1. I have a very helpful husband so I tend to sympathize with men of our generation believing that there is a higher percentage that actually want to be a vital and active part of their family’s lives. 2. I view my job as a stay-at-home mother as a job (in fact, I fill that out on forms that ask if I work full-time and at what occupation). I’m not the main breadwinner, like Richard, but what I do is as vital to this family as my husband’s money-making job. If, he came home and talked to me the way Kate did to Richard. I wouldn’t be too happy either.
I’m not condoning his departure, I think they could work on it, perhaps with some professional help because I don’t quite feel they don’t love each other anymore, they just aren’t making the time to love each other. But I haven’t quite finished yet (blaming it on the frantic nature of the book that some many others have agreed it makes it hard to sit down and read for long periods) perhaps some of my opinions will change.
I took this book up this month because of the description Jana gave and how similar Kate’s life sounded to mine…even though I am of the opposite gender. I, as an architect, and my wife, as a school teacher, with two kids coming up through school, have a tough time keeping pace with life these days.
I think the crux of the problem with Kate (and thus my biggest dissappointment with the book) is the fact that she was attempting to hold down a very stressful and demanding type of job. The type of job that demands your full attention (via 12 hour days and global travel) whether you are male or female. She was obviously very good at it as evidenced by her success. But when children entered into the scene that undeniable bond to her children wanted her to be a mother to her kids. She wanted her cake and to eat it too. Life doesn’t work that way when it comes to raising kids though.
My wife and I both work demanding jobs and do our best to divide the domestic work as best we can to keep everything afloat. But we do so at a price. I am more of the hard driving perfectionist that Kate is (right down to the affair) and my wife is more of the laid back personality of Richard. As a result there are regular periods of discourse where one feels the other isn’t pulling enough weight (me of her) or the other doesn’t understand the demands of her job. But if we want the upper middle class lifestyle we’ve grown accustomed to…
And that’s where I think you’ve missed the boat on Richard. I didn’t think at any point Richard was necessarily wanting Kate to quit working completely but more that he wanted her to be working in a job that didn’t demand everything out of her leaving nothing left for him and their kids. I found Kate to be the overbearing, egregiously selfish person in this book. Not Richard. How else can you tell a woman you are leaving her when she’s never home to say it to her. That said, the hot red bra was indeed a really bad gift idea for Christmas. Though reading about her having worn it to the board meeting had me laughing hysterically. That was well written.
Scott recently posted..Guided Transfers to org
So clarify for me what your disappointment with the book was, Scott. Do you think that a person–man or woman–can’t raise kids and have a very demanding job? You think that if someone wants to do a great job as a parent, he or she essentially needs to give up the demanding job? I think that’s an interesting point. The money definitely isn’t making them happier. They can go on holiday at the drop of a hat, Kate can hand over thousands of dollars to her father, so what does it all mean? In the end, what is important? I think Kate decides that it’s her family and not her fancy Brownstone.
I like your point about Richard just wanting Kate to have a more “sane” job. I do think his message is a wake-up call that she is never home. (I couldn’t help but think there had to be some time when they were together–they slept next to each other in bed. Could he have woken her and told her and at least talked through the morning?) I think he is a bit scared to tell her. And I wonder if we could, in fact, say that Pearson needed to include more details here about Kate’s and Richard’s relationship so that we felt we understood it more. In general, while I understood a lot of Kate’s observations and appreciated her humor, I felt distant from her. (But I attributed that to British comedy, which does seem kind of detached.)
And you raise a good point inadvertently. While she said the Christmas gift was a PC one (please change), she wears it a few times! So maybe she does want to embody that sex kitten a bit.
My point doesn’t need clarify because you hit it right on the head. It’s a matter of priorities. Big career and the riches that come with it or family and the riches that come with it! Both have their rewards but both are too big to handle simultaneously. I think Kate’s case is typical. The family paid the price because they are less likely to fire her than EMF was. In the end it took Richard quiting (the author alludes to several attempts to get his point across that it wasn’t working…did he need to hit her over the head with a frying pan to make it clearer for her?) the marriage to open her eyes to something she knew deep down anyway.
As for the sex kitten concept, she generally had no problem discussing that topic throughout the book. I particularly enjoyed the point where she talks about her and Richard discussing if they were too tired to have sex one night and she awakes the next morning to evidence that it apparenlty did occur. That’s what’s commonly referred to around here as Wisconsin Sex. Where only one out of two actually needs to be awake.
I look forward to Part II tomorrow.
Scott recently posted..Guided Transfers to org
I thought I was going to have to start off with some funny quip about how my comment was going to be as mashed and make-believe as Kate’s “homemade” pies because I hadn’t been able to finish the book. But I actually finished!
And other than that, I’m not sure what to say. I could never put up with a man like Richard, or like Robin Cooper-Clark, though I did find them sort of charming in a helpless kind of way. I know lots of husbands like that, who pitch in in small ways, but need more steering from their wives before they can/will take on any additional family responsibilities. (And that’s if they are even open to taking such direction in the first place.) I also know husbands who are content to let their wives run the domestic show and would be unequivocally lost if they had to take charge.
On the other end of the spectrum, of course, are Kate’s boss Rod and the fund-manager creep who gets his just reward in the end. In that regard, it did feel like Pearson was stereotyping the male characters, but I viewed it as exaggerating their faults to make them more like archetypes. They were all infuriating as hell, but I think (I hope) that was her point.
I think she used the same strategy for the female characters, from the playgroup and school mothers to her female colleagues to the female intern she helps carve out a niche in the “man’s world.” That being said, I am a mother who stays home with my children and I could relate to the chaos that is Kate’s life. Like Kate, I often feel that I have my hands in so many pies (here we are … back to pies again!) that I don’t really have the time or energy to enjoy all of them. And that includes time with my children.
So that’s where I am. I see the purpose of the stereotypes in the book, yet I also see the universal appeal of Kate’s character. And because both techniques work for me, I have to conclude that Pearson did a phenomenal job pulling it off. Even if I secretly wanted Kate leave Richard, have a fling with Jack, keep her job, love her kids, and figure out a way to balance everything.
So if Kate doesn’t do it, Pearson does? I’m fine with that.
The book is hard for me to read, too – all frantic and frenzied and furious (and a certain other ‘F’ word I’m not riled up enough to employ). Early on, I sensed the impossibility of a happy and satisfying resolution. What on earth could steady Kate’s work/life imbalance? It’s dizzying.
Disclaimer: I’m not done with the book yet. But to me her home and professional lives seem incongruous. She simply does not seem to have the time to attend to the needs of her job, her baby, her daughter and her husband, much less to the demands of housekeeping. I love the question that your post title raises, and for me, it’s a no. I don’t think she does it. It feels like she’s trying on one hand, while on the other she knows that she can’t do it, that no one can, that the possibility is a carefully preserved myth.
I expected to relate more to Kate and her situation. I work in a full-time job that I consider demanding, though not especially stressful. I travel frequently (1-3 nights away at a time), and my husband often works Saturdays, and we now live by our work calendars, which we have to consult carefully before making appointments or plans (from doctor to dinner to plans for a second child). But we keep in touch, take time off to make up for the extra hours away, almost always get home for dinner.
Kate’s job is demanding on a whole different level. To stay afloat, she has to answer to it as though it is the highest authority in her life, and all else must come unfortunately but necessarily after it. Having to give a “man’s excuse” speaks to her colleagues and office environment (disappointing and frustrating, those). But those assbags notwithstanding, her career is unhospitable to life as the conflicted mother – or family man – knows it. Her field isn’t flexible or understanding. The market closes, but the business never sleeps. I don’t know how Kate could navigate those demands alongside meaningful relationships with a partner and small children (not to mention nutrition, sleep, stress relief, etc.).
I don’t even mean to suggest that she shouldn’t try to have it all. I guess overall, I’m just left feeling that it would really, really suck to want to have a career as demanding of one’s time and energy as hers is, while also wanting to have plenty of time, energy, love and sanity left over for family.
Two women I’ve long admired and adored have sort of shown me this is possible (though following in their footsteps isn’t really in my makeup). One works for the World Bank, and one is kind of a bigshot lawyer, and both are always hopping around from continent to continent. The first has three kids and an actor-teacher husband, who earlier on in the history of their family was a stay-at-home dad; the latter has two kids, a lawyer husband, and lots of help (nanny, housekeeper, driver, you name it). They both seem to have made their success (and compensation) work for them, through professional and family planning.
They have very different lives, but they both find their work exhilarating, have good partnerships with their husbands, have taken the kids on business trips all over the world, make time for holidays, are organized and deliberate with every step, and are not easily overcome by guilt, time management, or faux home-baking. About each of them, I’ve often thought, “I don’t know how she does it.” Reading this book is giving me a better idea.
I admire strong, determined women who make it work – and I think self-awareness and confidence are critical to their success. I’m afraid if I tackled a job like Kate Reddy’s, my journal would look like her story!
Leslie recently posted..Kicking up the dust
Is that F-word four letters or 1-2-3….eight?
Do you think that these women you admire are like Kate, though? You seem to think they’re handling it well. I wonder if from the outside, Kate looks like she’s holding it together, too. I do think there needs to be a lot of planning, and Kate and Richard don’t seem to sit down to do the planning together. It seems like the management stuff is part of Kate’s job.
As an aside, I was watching the second episode of the first season of the show Brothers and Sisters, and the woman on that show (played by Rachel Griffiths) is president of her family’s company. She has to get her daughter a grass skirt for a school show and ends up waiting too late in the day, finally begging the store owner to let her come in and buy it, only to find out that they sold out. As a mother, she feels completely disappointed in herself and knows her daughter will feel the same. When she gets home, she finds out her husband has picked it up already. She can now save face in front of her daughter.
Do you know what a difference this makes, to know that her husband can pick up some slack? I don’t know that Richard does this in the family. I just know how much those efforts, which seem small, can pretty much keep the marriage afloat.
Another thing this reminds me is that the relationship of working mothers to their daughters seems to be a bit more strenuous in literature and popular media than the one with mothers and sons.
Ha! It’s six – the four-letter word as a participle.
You make a really good point about how little we know about what Kate looks like from the outside – frazzled or superhuman? (I can guess how Sarah Jessica is going to look in the movie version.)
I know the chaos, as Stacia said. But I don’t know constant chaos. Kate’s life doesn’t seem to know calm. I expect the frenzy between work and family to come in waves and eddies. Hers seems like the undertow!
The women I used as examples seem better positioned to make it work – i.e. with a husband who is happy to help take care of the family and household (more than the bread) OR a live-in nanny who does the grocery shopping and acts like family. Between careful planning and great resources, calm and organized wins. That said, I don’t think they’re really trying to do it all, nor are they torn up with guilt the way Kate seems to be. She loves her job and her kids and talks sarcastically about the ruin that one brings on the other. I think that these women love their jobs and their kids, and they’ve built their lives to accommodate both in a way that isn’t ‘typical’ but isn’t really chaotic or dysfunctional, either. I’m sure they’ve missed important moments and felt terrible, but I don’t think that’s their everyday.
If I had a job like theirs, I would be like a page out of Kate’s book. So whereas I feel like a different breed from these women (my cousins) I’ve been describing, I feel like in Kate’s situation I’d be impossibly scattered and discontent.
Sarah Walker is a great example! Many parallels. And I remember that episode. She does show some frenzy, especially as things are going down at Ojai. But do you think she is constantly frantic?
On another subject, regarding changes across the last decade: I do think that Kate Reddy’s work/life battle would be more easily contained if she had access to the technology we have. When she was away from her office, she was away from e-mail; she had to duck in an out of shops looking for a fax machine; her in-laws were awoken by an international phone call. Of course I don’t think it would be a cure-all, but we’re made more and more to be multi-taskers, our communication technology makes it faster and easier in 2011 than it appears to have been in 2002 England.
Leslie recently posted..Kicking up the dust
I must add another 2 cents to Kate’s overburdened situation. There were moments in the book when I thought, “why does she care what the other mothers think?” I know that women can be scathing and nasty when they are threatened in some way. But to stay up until 2am faking pies, or having a dinner party to keep up with some self- imposed status-quo is silly. She should have put herself first in these situations (going to bed earlier, ordering out for food) and by default she would have been puting her family first by being rested and not stressed out.
It also annoyed me that her housekeeper had all of these stipulations (can’t kneel on the floor, etc), but was still being paid to do a job she wasn’t doing (hence the rats). Personally, in that situation, I would have liked to have seen Richard take initiative and fire her and find someone else who can do the job exceptionally well. I think this falls under the “little things” column that can help you feel appreciative and relieved when your partner picks up the slack in an area where you are weak – Kate didn’t have the constitution to fire this woman, but maybe Richard did.
I still sympathize with her – but I must mention that I felt a good bulk was self-induced…
Liz – I am glad you brought up the housekeeper (and nanny too). I found Kate’s acceptance of their behavior a bit pathetic. Unfortunately, being a working mother (with all the household responsibilities too) I can completely relate. It is A LOT of work to go out and find new help (and “new” means no guarantee they are any better). It’s so much easier to let things slide even if you’re complaining about them all the time. Why doesn’t Richard do anything about it? Likely because he’s taking the path of least resistance which is to do nothing – and Kate is pretty much a control freak and would insist on doing it herself – that Richard wasn’t capable of doing a good enough job. I had a tough time with how Kate treated Richard in this book.
Cathy @ All I Want To Say recently posted..im a very good driver
I agree, I felt a lot of it was self-induced but isn’t that the point of the book….what we women do to ourselves. I definitely think she could have included Richard in some of these more major decisions…housekeeper and childcare. She doesn’t even try so why would Richard chose the difficult path to only be put down again.
I am glad Liz brought up Junaita and I think Paula deserves some talk here. Kate is given practically no concessions in her personal career and is tough on her daughter in order to prepare her for such things. Yet when it comes to women she employs, they are allowed to walk all over her. A nanny that shows up late, takes vacations whenever she wants and even gets them paid for is nuts. A cleaning lady who can’t reach up high or clean down low is practically comical. I would certainly understand if Kate tried to make a work environment that would fix the injustices that are imposed upon her and be women friendly. However, I think that 1. she feels she needs these ladies to convey a certain social station to others and 2. she needs so much help that she will take whatever she can get, however mediocre that is.
KQ @ Roots and Wings recently posted..Father Daughter Dance
By the way, am I the only one that finds the Jack affair (virtual or not) appalling? We women so easily scathe men for their infidelities. Virtual or not (and I would argue not), it still was an affair. I was so, so, so very disappointed to see her go down that path.
Cathy @ All I Want To Say recently posted..im a very good driver
It bothered me because it doesn’t talk about her being specifically unsatisfied with Richard as a lover or husband. So why the affair? I think Jack just comes along and it is easy to get caught up in the playfulness which, at the present, is too tiring to do with her own husband. (I think she actually addresses that…doesn’t she say something about how she didn’t mean for Jack to happen but he just cam along?) She might actually have to initiate the playfulness at home where Jack has made it easy for her and brings it to her inbox at work (a place that she seems to be at more then home anyways).
I am a full-time mother with no other career commitments but I am in a unique situation that made Kate Reddy’s character hit home with me. My husband tells me on a regular basis that, due to our personalities and skill sets, I would be more suited working outside of the home than he is. He would love nothing better to be a stay-at-home dad. Why haven’t I jumped at this chance? Well, like Kate I would have an all or nothing type mentality towards my career. I almost did take the chance about six months ago when I was toying with the idea of opening a store front for my bakeshop but something kept telling me not to. And I see those same instinctual pulls on Kate. My job, like Kate’s would have me out of the home more than your average 9-5 job, not to mention the stress of owning your own business that would not only physically but mentally take me away from my family. I now understand that I don’t want to struggle as Kate does. As women, we tend to deal a lot with guilt. You can often see it in the way we parent. I don’t want to feel guilt about this aspect of my life as a mother. I’m sure I’ll feel plenty of guilt about my mothering skills over the years, why add to it? I decided that now was not the time for me to be a self-employed baker but since I chose to have a family, now was my time to be a mother and wife. If I live to see the future, I will have plenty of time to be a self-employed baker outside of the home when my child is grown. Now I will stick to small orders out of my home that will allow be with my child. Like Scott, I didn’t necessarily assume Richard wanted Kate to stay at home but have more time for him and the kids. I took his comment about Paula leaving as not such a bad thing more as a cry that some changes around the home would not be a bad thing. And wouldn’t they?
This book hit home for me on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin…I’ve enjoyed all the points of view here, and it surprises me that Richard had so many unfavorable reactions because the way I see it, he’s another victim of the Kate Reddy ambition – not that I’m saying it’s bad for her to be ambitious. But a job as demanding as hers has a price, and her family ended up paying for it, as did she.
We don’t know his side of the story but we know Kate, whose ambition may prevent her from relying on anyone but herself in getting tasks completed. A control freak, so to speak. In that case, no matter what Richard does, she would probably find a flaw with his execution or attempt. Perhaps in the beginning of their marriage he did really try but her critical nature prevented him from continuing down that path. Why bother if she’s never happy with his efforts? And so it looks like he’s not pulling his share when in fact maybe that’s the only way she would’ve wanted it – for her to call the shots and check the lists.
Cathy mentioned how she’s bothered by her emotional affair with Jack and while I don’t condone it, I can see why it happened. Sometimes when people are in the thick of the sludge surrounding their lives, they gravitate towards outsiders who see them with fresh eyes and make them feel new and special again. People like to be the center of attention, people like to be flattered, people like to feel young, people like to feel like they’re being admired/adored – Kate is no different. Only human. But the fact that she didn’t let it go any further is a testament to the other human side of her – the logical one that says it will ruin her family and so she listened. Sometimes people don’t realize just what a great thing they have until they either lose it or are at the brink of losing it; this was the wake-up call Kate needed to readjust her priorities.
And Jana I think you (or someone here) wondered if it’s fair that someone with a demanding job can’t be expected to be happy with their family life too, to be able to “balance it all” so to speak. Well, it’s not fair, I have to agree, that we have to make that choice in the first place but a job as demanding as Kate’s leaves no room for the family. There are those with a successful career and family life but I think they also found a way to balance everything well, which I just didn’t see Kate doing because she was a slave to her job. In order to be on top of a man’s world in her office, she had to abandon her role as a woman, and with that, her motherhood.
I believe that pretty much everything in life is a tradeoff. Having your cake and eating it happens but that’s not often how it goes. Most of the time, if you want A, you have to let go of B. For Kate, perhaps she can still exercise her mind in a less demanding firm or one that had a better family policy, or choose to lay low with her ambitions for a bit at least until her kids are in school before picking things back up again when her kids are older (which she ended up doing).
I work full time and even without a job as demanding as hers, it’s taking its toll on me. I’m not saying ambitious women who want a family are screwed – we just need to constantly adjust and readjust our priorities and know that ultimately, we can’t have everything all the time. Something’s gotta give. I for one choose my family, and I’m glad Kate did too. After all, her brain cells don’t disappear with motherhood. When her kids are older and she wants to continue on this path, I say more power to her. But while their need for her is so great at this age, perhaps being there for them is far more rewarding than achieving any career goal because her kids are only young once. If she loses this opportunity with them, it will be gone forever, unlike that job or career path that might still be there for her.
This is only a fraction of what I have to say because really, this book is so rich on so many levels. Like you, I thought it would just be a “fun read” but as I continued on, I found myself within these pages and I was engrossed. I was familiar with so many of the characters in the book, who seem to be here in my own life that everything felt so real to me. In a good way. So thank you for introducing this book to my life. It’s one I won’t likely forget.
Justine recently posted..24 hours
I really feel like many readers here are being too hard on Kate. She’s in a very delicate, difficult situation. Her job means a lot to her. It gives her a sense of meaning and purpose, and power. She loves the thrill of that. On the contrary, being with her kids does not give her that same thrill and feeling of power. Over and over again, I think we have quite well-written and witty sections where she talks about how much she loves her children, but how hard it is to spend extended periods of time with them. With two young kids myself, I can relate. Being home with kids is hard, especially when you have been successful and well-respected at a job you like for a number of years. (I didn’t have that last part, by the way. Teachers are not respected. How I’d long for a personal assistant and a mahogany desk!) It seems that her second kid makes it more difficult, and her daughter being at an age where she starts being able to articulate her emotions culminates in Kate leaving her job. But let’s remember, many men don’t need to make this decision. They have a wife who manages childcare responsibilities. And those are big responsibilities.
For instance, while Kate does have this demanding job, she is still communicating with the nanny throughout the day, planning birthday parties, finding childcare when the nanny is sick. She even plans vacations! Almost no one, I suspect, would expect a male hedge-fund manager to be doing these things while at work. I think Pearson has set up a parallel for a reason–Kate and Robin. He is a male hedge-fund manager, and look at what his wife had to do! She handled ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in both the emotional and domestic realm. Kate does not have this kind of support. So Robin can be successful because he has a wife, and Kate cannot, because she doesn’t have a wife. She has a husband. One who seems nice enough, if not pretty boring. But instead of articulating his feelings to her, instead of insisting or even warning her that their marriage is breaking apart, he disappears. It’s pretty immature, if you ask me.
In this Court of Motherhood, though, we are still judging Kate. The judge and jury say, “She shouldn’t have started this affair.” But really, it’s NOT an affair. She sees this man, Jack, only for business and exchanges similarly fun emails as the ones she exchanges with her friends. Debra and Candy. Only we happen to know she has more feelings involved. Still, she doesn’t let it go beyond friendly conversation, even though she is attracted to him. I think she deserves credit for that.
The judge and jury say, “She shouldn’t work so much.” But is this fair? Would the same people be as willing to tell a man not to work as much? It’s unlikely. We expect men to work more than women, to care more about their work. When we find a woman who still loves her kids just as much but also doesn’t want to give up her job, we draw on age-old stereotypes of “a woman’s nature” and say she needs to give it up. We say, “You can’t have it all.”
But wasn’t “it all” promised to Kate? To all women? That women can do a man’s job just as well, if not better? As the decades since the feminist movement pass, we become more and more aware of the difficulties in fulfilling that dream, mostly because we need not only women to succeed, but men. Men need to support us. Yet over and over again, both men AND women criticize women for breaking gender barriers, for acting like a men. For not being nurturing and emotional enough. And we hit them where it hurts most: their hearts, their children, their feelings of inadequacy.
I think our culture’s recent fixation with parenting is, in fact, as Kelly above has said, a feminist backlash. Now, when women look out for their own ambitions and livelihoods and wallets, we consider them to be giving up on their children. They need “balance.” We don’t throw that word so willingly toward men, though. When men focus on their own interests and aspirations do this–as they have for generations–we expect it, even praise them. (Look at how many women we see standing by their lying, power-thirsty political husbands. How many women have given up their careers to support their husband’s ambitions?) Because we still assume–as Guy and Chris Bunce do in the novel–that the workplace is man’s domain, and the home is the woman’s.
Let this court adjourn, please! At the end of this novel, I would agree Kate made the best decision for her family, for her children, but she had to give up a lot of herself to do so. I don’t think her husband, or any of the men in the novel, had to do the same. (And can we at least give her some credit for trying to do it all, instead of judging her for not making these decisions sooner?)
And by letting the court adjourn, I don’t mean stop commenting. I ought to be more careful with my analogies. I just get too carried away sometimes pretending to be a lawyer. :)
I knew you weren’t calling off comments. :)
I meant to be hard on Kate’s situation, which from where I stand (and work, and parent) just looks impossible. I specialize in my own brand of chaos – juggling the toddler, the full-time-plus job, the husband and his, the never-ending homebuilding – but it doesn’t begin to compare to Kate’s. I’ll never be asked to fly across the world this Thursday, you know? (And I wasn’t last Thursday, either.)
The women I compared her to have been really fortunate to have strong support systems and top-shelf resources; they also naturally don’t seem to be too burdened by the guilt and the tug and the pull that many women struggle with in leaving their kids to go to the office or to the airport. (They take it like a man, to use a perfectly wrong phrase.) Lucky them, I guess, that it all aligned so naturally?
I agree completely with your assessment of Kate’s very heavy sharing – shouldering, really – of the parenting, housekeeping, and general family management. I was surprised on more than one occasion to read that she was still sleeping with her husband! It gave me the sense that there was life to their relationship that the book didn’t give us insight into.
And I didn’t judge her for the lines she (sort of, kind of) crossed with Jack. The gal deserved some daydreams!
I get stuck on whether we can/should have “it all.” IT ALL. I’m realizing I’ve never seen that as quite a real possibility – I’ve always seen the give and take, the shuffle and the priorities, hoping that the things we give up have less weight than what we gain. But by “we,” I haven’t only thought of women. I think that anyone working in a job as demanding as Kate’s would struggle to find the time and energy for a full life at home with a partner and children. Men aren’t so much expected to try to find that time, though of course many do prioritize it. I agree that women earn more judgment – from a variety of sources, social, societal and professional – when they try to balance work and family. For Kate to make it work, it seems she’d need a husband like Robin’s wife. (At home, as my newish job has gotten more exciting, more promising and a lot more busy, we’ve talked about my husband becoming a stay-at-home dad, or moving to a less demanding job himself.)
Ideally, devotion to family and childrearing isn’t an issue for women but for parents, regardless of gender. I guess I’m left feeling that some just careers don’t leave much room for rich home life, and that Kate was in one of them.
Making change there means prioritizing gender diversity in the workplace, as well as work/life balance and employee health and satisfaction. It would take more hires to get more mobilization without increased demands, responsibilities, stress and pressure for Kate and her colleagues. But I suspect that economically, it’s much easier to find a diverse set of professionals glad to forsake family for career.
In the end, I left this book feeling glad that my job doesn’t leave me so little choice.
Leslie recently posted..Kicking up the dust
I just finished the book last night. Although it kept me at a rather high level of tension, I really enjoyed it. And I agree with Leslie that it helped me feel blessed that I am self-employed with plenty of flexibility in my schedule and the ability (and currently necessity) to be the sole breadwinner. But … while I’m glad Kate and Richard managed to stay together (as have my spouse and I), boy did Richard’s inability to ever get things done correctly drive me crazy. How many times did he forget to buy or do something Kate had requested? And then, when there was still tons of things left needing to be done, he’d inevitably be sitting there watching tv. That certainly hit really close to home!
That part hit really close to home with me too. Except in my case it is my wife sitting behind her laptop (instead of a male in front of a TV) while the household to do list grows exponentially. My wife says the stresses of being a teacher sap every last bit of energy out of her over the course of a day. Richard, on the otherhand, is a forgetful, lazy Architect? Hmmmmm.
Oh boy, ladies. I think this is why Allison Pearson did such a great job with this book–it strikes a very deep chord among married folks. I just read a piece by her in The Telegraph where she’s a columnist and she made a reference to men never bringing the pile of things from the bottom of the stairs up to the top of the stairs. She said they just don’t seem capable of it. It was then I knew she was my long-lost, more successful sister. (Of course, our one male reader, Scott, who I don’t want to lose, might beg to differ. Scott, you want to weigh in on this one?)
All I’m saying is that men don’t necessarily have the market cornered when it comes to having a lack of effort. As a double income family I recognize the fact that it is beneficial to have both adults do their part to keep a household running. Which is why I take on all of the laundry, ironing, and some of the cookng during the school year (Sweetness teaches 1st grade). But it irks me to no end to be doing laundry and watch her come in, sort through the items I have just finished ironing, pick out the one item she is looking for, and then walk away leaving all of the rest of it on the rack! She’s taking that one item back upstairs to the dressing room where all these other clothes have to go! So, my point is women are just as capable of committing that crime as men are.
The book was focused on Kate and we are given very little background on Richard in my opinion. There are just as many examples of things he does for the good of the family as those that are not. But I keep going back to a chapter, at the very beginning, where Kate is looking for a utensil in the kitchen and Richard knows exactly which drawer that utensil is in without even looking. He knows what is going on at home far better than Kate does. Is he perfect? No. Neither is Kate. Neither am I or any of you.
Recognizing those shortcomings and finding a way to fix them or accept them is important in making a marriage work. In the end you hope that all the giving you do can is somehow balanced in the giving of your spouse provides. When it is equitable, is when you find happiness. In the words of Ernestine, That’s all I got to say about that.
Well said!
LOL Laura I MUST reply to your post! It definitely hit close to home for me too. While I didn’t want to be too hard on Richard, I strongly felt that if he put in as much effort in his free time as Kate did in hers, they would be happier. I see it in my own house – if my husband does things without me having to ask once, twice, etc…I am a LOT happier and more relaxed than if he yells from the couch “want me to do anything?” as I’m washing dishes, making dinner, doing laundry, etc. The answer is always “yes” – same for Richard – if Kate wrote down her “must remember” lists on paper and posted them on the fridge (or his side of the bathroom mirror) he’d have no excuse, but then she’d be a nag, right? It ends up being yet another power struggle that Kate deals with on a daily basis and I didn’t see it as contributing to an “equitable” relationship.
Liz – wow you’re husband actually asks if you want him to do anything??? : ) Here, we’ll have all kinds of serious talks where he’ll “yes” me to death about it being unfair that I have to do so much of the housework in addition to the paid work, but most times when I ask him to do something, I get the eye roll. Grr!
Scott – I feel your pain, and you’re right, men don’t have the market cornered, and I’m happy to cybermeet you as one of the enlightened. Frankly, I was of the “Free To Be You and Me” generation w/Carol Channing informing us that ALL of us hate housework and the only way to make it bearable is to do it — together! As a result, I have no problem sharing the work or doing it side-by-side. What boils my blood is when I’ve just spent an hour throwing a meal together while my spouse is watching tv, then we all eat, and he gets up and goes back to the tv as if the elves are going to do all the clean up. And then … when I “express my dismay,” I’m just never satisfied.
Good observation about Richard knowing more about the kids and household though. That would not be the case here. I’m pretty sure my husband does not have our son’s school, pediatrician, various sports coaches’ and friends’ parents’ phone numbers saved in his cell phone memory.
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