Getting off the Potty Train

At a certain point in your child’s life, you’ll decide it’s time to potty train. No more diapers, you’ll chant. You’ll look forward to bragging to your friends and family that your kid has mastered this skill that even adults have problems with.

But afterward, when your child struts across your living room floor in undies decorated with Superman and Thomas the Tank Engine, you may realize that disposable diapers really did have advantages. Sure, they go into landfills and don’t break down and may possibly contribute to global warming and the apocalypse. (Another reason to support birth control education.) Yet there is a remarkable simplicity to changing a wet diaper. (Let’s assign the topic of dirty diapers for another time.) Once your kid uses the toilet, things have a tendency to get a bit more complicated.

Here are some reasons why you should really consider postponing The Potty Train, if you can.

1. Urine on the bathroom floor.

Ever find yourself in a male restroom and wonder, why does this stink so bad of urine? It’s because men pee all over the floor. And even though they may get a little better as adults, the little ones will make your cozy, powder blue bathroom smell like a subway stop.

2. Urine in your shoe.

Yes, peeing in a shoe is not for dogs anymore. In fact, it seems to be the perfect receptacle for a male child who wants to show off his latest skill. (For more, read the latest post on Five to Nine, where Leslie recounts this horrendous tale. Luckily, her little boy is cute enough to warrant immediate forgiveness.)

3. Urine pretty much everywhere. Pretty much.

You’ll find out that when you think your child is washing his hands after excretions, he’s really just stalling so you think he’s washed his hands. So inevitably, pee particles end up on everything he touches way before you’ve uncovered the ruse.

4. When you’re a grown-up (a mother, likely), you will at times, sheepishly, wish you could have a diaper. How nice would it be, in the throes of your third trimester of pregnancy, not to have to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Or while you’re at work, rushing to get things done so that you don’t have to pay the extra fee to pick up your children at their school in time, you will likely resent ever having gained control over your bladder. Why not give your children this tiny gift of postponement, then?

5. It’s bad enough to be the victim of your own bladder, but it’s even worse to suffer someone else’s bladder’s needs. Pretend you’ve just settled down with a good book and a cup of tea on the off chance that your children agree to nap. Then you hear the creak of a door upstairs and your small child’s gleeful admission, “Mommy, I have to go potty!” I assure you that you’ll be wistful for all those times he just faced the corner and did his business and you had a few extra minutes of blissful ignorance.

6. Here’s a scenario. You take your children to lunch. You finally get everyone settled with their chocolate milks and squeezie yogurts only for your three-year-old to tell you he has “to go potty.”

Do you–

a) Tell him to go on his own and ignore the stares of strangers. You’ll be waiting right here enjoying your soup until he gets back.

b) Tell him he should have gone before you left the house and now he’ll just have to hold it. Then watch him dance.

c) Let him wet his pants. A little bit of discomfort builds character.

d) Quickly pack up your diaper bag with your expensive gadgets meant to entertain young children as well as your phone and wallet, put the younger, diapered toddler on your hip even though her face and hands are covered with sticky cheese, and escort your kid to the claustrophobic, smelly restroom, where you utter constant, shrill warnings: “Don’t touch the toilet!” “Don’t touch the floor!” “Don’t miss the toilet!” before struggling to then help him button his pants and wash his hands with a baby on your hip whose hands are just as, if not more, vulnerable to germs, and which have now found their way to your hair, face, and shirt so that you, too, are covered with cheese goop. Finally, you head back to your seat, hoping no one has cleared your food. “Don’t touch the door handle!”

7. One more scenario. You find yourself in the car on a somewhat long journey when your three-year-old informs you he has “to go potty.”

“Really?” you ask.

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think you could possibly hold it a little longer?”

“No.”

Finally, you remind yourself to be grateful for his rather simple organ and pull over, take him out, shield him with the car and your body and instruct him to pee in the grass. He does. You both giggle. For months afterward, he will assure you and others that the grass is always an option for him, should nature call. In fact, he’s kind of like a dog that way.

8. Okay, the last scenario. (I promise.) It’s winter, and a delightful few inches of snow has just touched the ground. You wrap your toddler in socks, snow pants with suspenders, a turtleneck, a heavy coat, and boots. He toddles out to the yard and enjoys himself for five minutes. After that time, a few things might occur: he will wet himself because he doesn’t want to go inside, only so you can find out later that his snow pants either had frozen pee that melted, or still have frozen pee (either way, you need to do an extra load of laundry, now); or, he tells you he has to go inside, and you proceed to help him undress only so that he can get bundled anew a few minutes later. In that time, the temperature has dropped and a blizzard has arrived which makes playing in the snow a poor option if you’d like to keep your fingers and toes. Who is to blame? As always, you. The bad mommy.

So, mothers of young toddlers, remember that the price of diapers is quite small compared to the mental and physical stress that comes with your child’s “control” over his own bodily functions.

And good day to you.

Image: “Diaper malfunction” by voltrobeck via Flickr using a Creative Commons license.

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Tagged as: diapers, potty training