From The SuperWoman Chronicles….
It’s winter, temperatures are dropping like vegetables from a toddler’s hand, and SuperWoman’s outfit is feeling a little skimpy. Astonishingly, no one knows she’s SuperWoman when she puts on her hat, scarf, and big coat. The boots aren’t gaining her any recognition, either. It seems they’re all the rage this season.
Still, despite constant threats of snow, ice, and frigidity, SuperWoman will not succumb to Seasonal Affective Mood Disorder.
May she present you with a how-to guide.
How to Fight the Winter Blues!
(Enter courageous music….)
Step 1. Margaritas. Duh.
Step 2: Make friends with the cold.
How, you ask? The best way is to walk or jog in it. Outdoor exercise, even in winter, beats the sweaty gym, where you’re always less than a foot away from a sweaty man breathing on you during his sweaty Stairmaster routine. SuperWoman gets up at 5:30 (yes, super!) and walks with a neighbor through the quiet streets of her town. When she comes home, she doesn’t even need coffee. The wind has frozen her eyes wide open! (This new tactic of wakefulness saves money and dishes!)
Step 3. Don’t shave your legs.
What ridiculous patriarchal custom is this, anyway? Though I’m sure a woman came up with it in order to please her husband. Why would anyone want to do that? Not Superwoman! So, let your leg hair grow long. It will keep you warm on your walks in the winter, and it will give you something slightly horrifying to marvel at every time you get into your shiny pajamas. (Beats watching Hoarders.)
Step 4: Vitamins.
SuperWoman’s husband tells her she’s like an elderly person with her pill-pack, but you know what? He’s not super. SuperWoman takes, upon the good advice of a friend (some other mythic creature), Omega-3, B-Complex, a multi-vitamin, and some herb or other her acupuncturist gives her. Voila! No mood disorder.
Step 5: Acupuncture. Seriously.
How did SuperWoman not know of this magic before? Naysayers may cringe at the idea of tiny needles but SuperWoman says, “Don’t be a wimp.” They don’t hurt anymore than stepping out of bed in the morning. And if your acupuncturist is anything like SuperWoman’s (who also deserves her own SuperWoman title), she’ll put feet and handwarmers on you, rub up some lavender lotion on those fingers, and let you float to mystical sounds. This kind of treatment is quite appropriate for SuperWomen, SuperMoms, SuperWives, SuperAnybodies.
Step 6. Take a bath.
Maybe you already do, but for a long time, SuperWoman neglected baths because it meant she had to clean the bathtub first, and she’d be damned before she took it upon herself to complete that task in an 80-something year-old house. But then she bought this special spray that kind of keeps the tub clean between washings, and realized that after a shower, it was nice to fill up the bathtub and rest for a while. Nothing gets you warm and relaxed like sitting in a bath, ignoring the cries of your kids while they complain that their show is over and their butts need to be wiped. No wonder there are so many commercials and movies where women take baths. It’s actually enjoyable. (More so when a husband, any of your three, is home.)
Step 7. Cupcakes. Red Velvet.
You can eat them for all of January, saying that you’re “trying them out” for Valentine’s Day. And then because V-Day is smack-dab in the middle of February, you can eat them that month, too. Then there may be leftovers, which gets you pretty much to spring.
And there you have it.
Put on some toasty socks
Take your margarita on the rocks
Buy yourself a nice loofah
And forget about the winter mouse under your sofa.
“Margaritas” by Lilia’s photos via Flickr.
“Acupuncture Students at NYCTCM” by NYCTCM via Flickr.