Recently, Mr. B had a playdate with a beautiful young girl five months his junior. For the purposes of this post, we’ll call her Cinderella. She happens to have a basket full of fluffy, frilly clothes she uses to play dress-up. Sometimes, she’ll even dress up her sister.
After about a half hour of playing separately, Mr. B with some trains, she in glittery blue polyester and high-heeled shoes, Cinderella inquired if Mr. B could wear the pink dress. She had already put her baby sister in the yellow Belle costume. She supposed, I guess, that every child in the house should be playing along.
Despite my past as a cog in the academic machine of denying innate characteristics for males and females, and deploring the social constructions of our patriarchal society, I balked at this proposal.
I thought, Shit. Here’s something I don’t know the answer to. Do I let my toddler boy put on a pink princess dress?
Is it normal for this to make me feel a bit queasy?
What would Jesus do? Would he put on a pink dress if a nice young lady asked?
Cinderella repeated her question quietly and firmly, while her mother and I kind of acknowledged and at the same time ignored her. Then Mr. B heard. He expressed interest in joining the game. (He’s so accommodating.) I decided I had to let him, appreciate his willingness to try something new, his comfort with fluidity of gender constructions. I can probably even take some credit for that, if I wanted to. My college social psychology professor would be proud.
So I held Missy Mae on my lap, and attempted to put the small pink dress over his head. To my relief, it wasn’t working.
“Oh no!” I cried. “It doesn’t fit. Oh well, we’ll have to play with something else. Here, try this quite gender-neutral crown I found here on the floor. And look, this long piece of cloth can be a cape. You look like a prince!”
Problem solved.
I love my toddler unconditionally, and I encourage his nurturing, sensitive, domestic traits. We cook, vacuum, play with dolls (at other people’s houses), do yoga. He kisses and hugs his baby sister. We emphasize the “big” way more than the “boy.” But I’m really glad I didn’t have to witness him wandering around in a shiny pink dress. My gentle, soft-spoken husband would have had a heart-attack.
You may not be Jesus, but what would you do?
Image: “Princess or Fairy?” by josebarbanza via Flickr using a Creative Commons license.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Interesting! I wouldn’t have thought twice about it and put it on him. My son has dolls, a stroller and baby swing for them. He wears pink and walks around in my heels. Partly, it’s a conscious effort on my part and partly it’s just him doing (and asking for) what it wants.
I have my reasons. Part of it is about gender fluidity, but moreso, it’s abour acknowledging the gender spectrum and gender identity. I can honestly say that I have no expectations for his gender identity (or sexual orientation for that matter). He could grow up to be a trans woman for all I know and I want him to feel free to express his identity in however he sees fit (especially at home because he won’t be as free to do so in public or at school).
That said, he is most preoccupied with cars, trains, trucks, and sports.
In my own defense, I do have to say that the reason I had such a reaction was because the dress was SO frilly. Usually, Mr. B dangles my purse from his arm, puts on my leopard print gloves, shoes, flowery headband, and I don’t bat an eye. The degree to which this dress yelled “Princess” seemed to be my issue. (I don’t think I’d fully approve if my daughter asked to wear it, either.)
Having an older daughter and younger son means my son is OFTEN dressed as a princess. With jewelry. And barettes. And I am totally 100% fine with it. It’s just fun! It’s just dress up! I don’t put much more thought into it than that. I just like seeing both kids playing happily together!
Maybe it’s different when your first is a girl and you’re used to the frilliness?
I have 3 kids – 2 girls followed by a boy, who just turned 3. As you can imagine there are lots of frilly dresses here. Mostly our son wears the accessories when his sisters play dress up, but in the past he has put on the dresses. Most recently he refuses as he now prefers the robot, pirate and lion costumes. I think all kids are attracted by the bright colors, the shiny fabric and the sparkly bits glued on here and there. In toddlerhood, I doubt it’s about a DRESS and believe it’s more about “Ooo shiny!” and joining group play.
However, I did have to convince my husband of this, he didn’t have any sisters while I had a younger sister and a younger brother, and promise him if the interest in dresses continued that I’d make/obtain plenty of shiny boy costumes ie king, knight, robot, shiny superhero cape. In reality, my son probably only did full on dress-up a handful of times. Both your son and your husband will survive this stage HAHA!
Jana, I really want to ask you this: what harm do you think could have come from him wearing a pink frilly dress? What were you worried about? Were you reacting against it for his sake, or your own, or your husband’s? And if it was not for his sake, is it okay to place judgements on what forms of expression are okay based on your own level of comfort?
I’m being a bit blunt here, I know, I’m sorry. I just was really wondering about all of this after reading your post yesterday. I guess I just don’t relate – I don’t have a son, although if I did I seriously doubt I would be at all bothered by him wearing a dress of any kind, especially in the context of playing dress-ups. I have zero problem with my daughter wearing ‘boy’ clothes – it wouldn’t be any different, I think. But I do know people who have a problem with this – in fact, I know one father who is seriously upset about his wife allowing their son to dress up as a princess. He’s considered taking his son to therapy because he likes to play princess with his cousins and also wears his mum’s high heels around the house, and his father views this as abnormal and dangerous. He is four years old. I’m not saying that you are at all like this father – it’s an extreme case I feel – but I would really like to hear more about your reasoning.
I wasn’t really afraid of anything, and this post was partly about my own surprise at myself, because I didn’t realize I’d have such a reaction. (My husband said he thought it was surprisingly conservative for me.)
I watched a movie in college–a great independent, French flick–called La Vie en Rose . If you haven’t seen it, you would enjoy it. It’s about a little boy who loves to dress up in girls’ clothes and wear make-up. His parents are shocked and appalled, but he’s so sweet, and I, as the viewer, just thought they should let up, let him be himself. I still think that. If we continued to play with this girl, and Mr. B wants to dress up, I’ll let him. I’m not trying to impose a strict gender identity upon him. What I’ve been more surprised at, in this journey of motherhood, is how much BOY he is. Like Sarah said, I never pushed trucks, trains, lawnmowers, etc. But he inevitably veers toward them in really big ways. So this dress took me by surprise. (While I like to be treated like a princess–big confession here–I have never dressed like one, never owned a princess costume. In fact, I wanted to teach my friend’s daughter that she didn’t need a prince to be fulfilled.) I might be as surprised if he begged me to run the vacuum cleaner, or listen closely to the fire engine siren, since he hates loud noises.
All in all, I know that it’s not really an issue for him to play dress-up in girls’ clothes. But it felt slightly weird because I’m not used to it. I’d venture to guess that other moms have similar reactions, even though they move past it and let their kids be themselves. That’s the same I will do.
That makes sense – we all have unexamined prejudices or assumptions going on don’t we? I guess I just wanted to know more about the background reasons for anxiety about boys and pink, because I’ve come across so many examples of late (not only the father I mentioned above, although that looms large.) Oh, and I have seen La Vie en Rose but I barely remember it I’m afraid. Perhaps I should revisit it :)
I do think there is more anxiety about boys being feminine than girls being masculine, and I suppose that had to do with our perceptions of masculinity. We seem to give girls more fluidity with that, despite their often inferior position within patriarchy. Hmm. Not fair. For my part, I will try to do what I can in my own little part of the world–this house!
It’s weird when something like this sneaks up on you and sparks an unexpected reaction, isn’t it? Expect it to happen again, again and again. I think you handled it just fine. :)
My daughter dresses up my son, who is an enthusiastic princess, and I just let them have fun. On some level I wonder if that’s “right,” but I know that at this age, gender is something they don’t have any preconceived notions about. I’d like it to stay that way for as long as possible!
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